I struggle to be able to let the Lord bless me, guide me and take care of me....... mostly I fail.

I don't know if it is the fact that I am the oldest child, or that I am a survivor or I am just stubborn and willful.  I know that I am and always have been a very self reliant person.  I am empowered and I have always been quite prideful of that.  I raised self reliant and empowered children for the most part, well maybe I did not do such a good job with my first child but I eventually figured it out and now as a 50 something I find that maybe I don't feel as much pride in that I as I once would have.  Though I would wish I had given my oldest daughter more ability to have self worth and love of self. I think maybe I struggle trying to balance the sin of self reliance with what the Lord would want me to be, reliant on him.  I do think that self reliance is the root of all sin when it boils down to it so I wonder about the balance of teaching your child to have self worth, empowerment and knowing that total self reliance and total empowerment are truly some of the worst sins a person can have.  I know that I was raised up in the baby boomer generation and if there was ever a more selfish and self center generation I don't know when it would have been well except maybe our children..... I contemplate my life a lot....


I know that God loves all of humanity, something I myself can not seem to do.  I judge and I am revolted by the evil that exists in humanity and can't truly say I love that person.  I can't see the person from the actions of the person the way God can.  I know God loves all of mankind in general Grace.   He also wants to love each of us in Saving Grace and so many people never know God that way.  We mostly depend upon our abilities and our self will and never humble ourselves to receive Saving Grace from the Lord.  We rarely see that we are sinners and ask the Lord for the forgiveness that brings Saving Grace.  Such a self willed creature we are, we humans.  God created us that way.  I know that with Saving Grace God gives forgiveness and salvation, but he also never remembers the sins that he has forgiven us of.  Can you imagine being able to love in that manner? I remember the sins I have been forgiven for and sometimes obsess about them, but God truly has no idea what I am even worrying about.  And there in is the rub, worry is not of the Lord, he loves us and will take care of us so worry is something that is of the devil, we just fail to trust what the Lord tells us and fall into satan's trap of worrying.  I know more about evil than the Lord will ever know because he does not let it touch him, or heaven, nothing that would befoul heaven exists there so therefore evil is not in or of God, so he is not touched by it.  We as humans see, feel and worry about evil, all the devils doing, his way of fighting the Lord, he wants us for his own and tries to steal us away for the glory of God with his manipulation of our free wills, sad if only we would just believe the Lord so many of the things we face and deal with would not be a part of our lives. Our self reliance is the devils playground, when all we really need to do is give ourselves and our lives to the Lord and he would guide us in all things. Funny how foolish that is, our knowledge is but naught to the Lord and we think we know it all.  I am a child of God and have to remember as a child to obey and let my Father love me and take care of me and I would have only his best.  The human in me just can't let go of my self will and  believe.... tomorrow.