Thursday, February 28, 2013

We are called to repect our parents, sometimes it is harder to do than one would think.......

I was raised to love and respect my parents and I do but sometime it is harder to do than others.  I didn't know on many levels any other way as that was just the way it was and what you were to do.  I was raised with an iron fist when it came to doing what you were told and if you didn't you paid the price for not doing so.  I know that we all make our biggest mistakes with our oldest child and my parents were no different.  I was raised with the rule of very little lee way in absolute compliance.  I did notice that as the more kids came the rules seemed to change for each.  I understand this as I have always had one on one rules with my kids but not the way I was raised.  The rules in my house were the same but applied to each with their personality included.  The rules as we grew up on were much more odd.  My parents raised three family units, us older kids which included 5 and at one time 6, then there were the three little girls and finally the triplets.  Each division a unique unto themselves a different family.  We olders had a basic set of rules but it was most definitely applied to each differently.  I had the strictest rules, and it went down from there.  I think one of the examples, that makes it the clearest to me, was when I was 18 I had gone to a dance at the fair, it ended at 1:30 and I didn't get home until 3:00, I had to be at work at 5:30.  My dad meant me with the belt, no excuse I made could, or would, change that I was in trouble.  I got a whipping, I am thinking it was the closest I ever got to being beat and not spanked.  I had black and blue strap marks from my hip to my knees.  My mom was not happy with me and I was disciplined to her satisfaction.  The next night my sister went to the dance didn't not come home any sooner and not a word was said about her being late.  The only sympathy I go in the whole matter was the compassion my sister gave me knowing that the punishments were not the same.  I might add that that was the last "spanking" I ever got, funny how many adults can say that?  I do know that my brothers and sister in the older set were subject to many of the same rules and disciplines.  The little girls rarely got spanked at all and they could say things to my parents that none of us older kids would ever have said to them, and most of us wouldn't to this day.  The triplets, I not sure have ever gotten spankings and the foul way those triplets speak to my dad would make a criminal set up and take notice.  They have absolutely no respect for him and treat him like he is the garbage. 

I am not sure that that much mellowing of the rules is normal.  I find that I can not go visit my folks, I truly can not abide the mean spirited way that my dad is treated.  I am truly not sure if he doesn't understand and has slipped into a bit of Alzheimer's or dementia or if it is just easier for him to pretend he has so he can survive the day.  I do know that I am no longer able to endure the pain of being in mix of how they live their lives.  I do know that one of the things, or maybe the most important thing I learned as a domestic violence advocate was the you can't help a victim that is not willing to allow you to help them.  I can't help so I don't allow myself to be the victim of watching it and not being allowed to change or help the situation. 

My parents are moving from Paradise to Charlot's heights.  We lived there when I was about 4 so I am sure there is lots of loving memories there and maybe they are hoping to rekindle that part of their lives.  I have be told as, my mom only allows the kids she can get the most out of to help her at any given time.  I am of no help and probably currently the enemy so am one of the kids not in the loop.  I am also told I am not alone, and the others left out were not happy about it either.  I am actually not upset but a little relieved to not have to help.  I did hear the move is for a bazaar reason but that is normal not out of the ordinary.  I digress.  They are moving and doing it in their own style.  My parents had a car wreck last week, no one hurt, my dad got a lecture from mom and the identicals, oddly the third was at home alone awaiting their return from the gas station.  I won't expound upon that because I am to aghast.  The car was totalled and they are getting a different one tomorrow.  A big glitch in the move I am thinking.

I did hear one more bit of gossip, I am not sure it is gossip when you do care about the process of your parents aging and their choices but maybe it is.  My mom has decided for the 100th different time in the last 11 years, that is how old they are, that she should maybe make arrangements for the triplets if she or dad should die,  They have as you know had health issues, one a heart attach, a second, and the other one a stroke.  Mom uses the placement, or has in the past as a big reward to her children., I am thinking with their gentle and loving personalities, they would not be a reward but a conviction, but again I digress.  Mom sent out the edict that she is going to leave her girls, if anything should happen to them, to the following.  A mother that doesn't work, to some one who does not live in Mineral County, some one who would not make them go to public school, someone who would not adopt them, etc.....  Can you say Power and Control.  I am thinking that I am so glad I live in Mineral County, whew what a relief.  I do try to love the three of them, and do one on one but as a group of harpies that attack my dad not so much.  I am having a bad morning maybe or maybe it is just one of those where the injustice sets me up for hours of trying to understand the hows and whys of ageing. 

It amazes me how some older people are the epitome of wisdom, grace and aging.  It further amazes me that some people get so lost they no longer resemble the person they once were.  How is it that age and time can cause such extremes?  How can you respect, which is a commandment, what you can't even fathom or comprehend?  How to you help when you are not ask but perceived to be as the enemy? for what you have no idea?  How do you love when you can't even understand?  I spend a lot of time praying for all of them, I know my mom would say I am a liar, and a sinner for even my beliefs at this point but I do.  I do know that in the end it is all in Gods hands and I have no concept of his will.  I do wish them whatever it is that they seek and know that I am not welcome in their current lifestyle.  It does not make me miss my folks the less but it is sad to have said your last good byes, in ways, years before the actual loss.....tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Did you ever play that game as a child.....

Funny thing on Sunday the Preacher was speaking of that game people play with children, or I suppose you could with adults, where you get a line of participants, old or young, stand them in a line and tell the first one a story.  You get each to repeat once as quickly as possible the story to the next one down the line.  The Preacher assured us that the story changes in many respects from one end to the other.  Did you ever actually try it?  My dad did once when we were little.  I was about 14, or so at the time, he stood us all in a line from oldest to youngest.  I think at the time the youngest allowed to participate was 5.  We went down, 14, 13, 12, 11, 8, 5.   He started with a story about three little bears.  The story ended up being about several monkeys.  He got the results that are assumed by one and all, that tell of this experiment, but my dad took the process one step further.  He took each of us aside, one at a time, to see where the experiment went awry.  It was not the supposed process of each adapting the tale at little having not heard it correctly or from embellishment.  The story that was recounted to my dad one on one was clearly the same story from one to the next except for one participant.  The ones above the changer of the tale all had the same story, as did all of the ones below the tale changer.  Was that the results that were expected?  Why did only one of the participants in the experiment change the tale?  Do we assume that the outcome will always change and that each participants adds to the tale or changes it because we assume that is how tales move about in our society?  Well I am here to tell you having participated in the great experiment, in actuality, that we should never assume tales are a communal thing.  Tales can be a communal thing but they can just as easily be the misinterpretation of one individual.  Tales can be and are the results of gossip but they can also be the mistelling of one person who just got it wrong so judging gossip to be gossip is just that judging.  That brings me to the thought that took me down this road to begin with.  Are we for the most part honest?

Do you live an honest life?  Are you, number one, honest with yourself?  I can't imagine living a life being dishonest with yourself.  Do you live a life of self deception?  Do you see thing so narcissistic that you are not even honest with yourself?  I know that 95 percent of what we believe about others thoughts about ourselves in in our own minds, so only 5 percent of what we think some thinks about us is true.  Is that honesty or human nature?  Does that mean we think to much about what others think of us in general?  I know that the less I care or think about what others think about me the happier I am.  I spent a lot of my youth worried about offending some one, my mom, my dad, my siblings, my friends, my ? ?  Ironically the only person I can ever remember never worrying about what he thought of me was Poppie, some would say he should have been the most important opinion of me and that I should have worried about that the most but truly, no.  I never had to question what he thought of me, he just loved me the way I was, he never tried to change me.  I can't say in all honesty that I was so loving of him,  I tried to make him quit smoking for 30 years, and until he did it for himself nothing I ever did made any difference.  He did grow from a scared boy into one of the best men I know, but that was a subtle and evolving change nothing that just happen overnight or in any one way.  I think that I changed  to meet him that same way but again not overnight or like an epiphany, it was life and love that did that.  I wonder if anyone is ever truly honest or is it a game of degrees.  We all are as honest as our self examination makes us.  If our measure is that we are better than our neighbor that bar may not be that high.  If it is that we let others decide for us maybe that measure is too high and unattainable.  I think maybe we have to be honest to the degree that God ask of us.  I know that is exacting, but is it?  What does God ask of anyone one on one?  Is my honesty to love my kids, and Poppie to all that I am?  Is my honesty to never tell a lie period, or to never tell a lie that causes undue pain for just the principal of being perfectly honest?  Is it honest to tell a child that you had to kill it's pet just because it was convenient at the time?  Or was it just as honest to say that your pet has passed on or has gone to sleep and at the will of God?   I know that little white lies are "sins" and hardcore purists will tell you that, but isn't it a sin to hurt some one just because you can as well?  I think that honesty is a grey subject.  I am not sure that you, me or anyone can be honest to the letter for just one day little own our whole lives, and judging what is and isn't a lie in someone else's life is none of our business.  I think God is so much bigger than the limitation we put on others because they don't abide by our sense of right and wrong.  I think that God is so much bigger says it all......tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bubble on the mend we hope, Cubbie has pre-school.

I was so excited I got to go outside for the first time in a long time, Poppie allowed me to go.  We visited the new babies, Samson, Jack, Caliope and Coral.  The two little girl twins are the smallest but the feistiest.  They follow Cleo around and try the hay.  Jack and Samson both big singles are lazy.  Samson the biggest is the laziest of all.  He just lays and sleep awaiting his mom to come feed him.  They are all very pretty.  Not sure when more are coming.  We had put Rootbeer in with the does but Mokie took him out and took him to her place so not sure who wasn't breed.  We then put Caesar in just before he died so unsure who got breed and who didn't.  I think it is a blessing either way, some need to have babies and some may need a rest.  I got to pat Miss Chops she is getting ready to have her babies.  We locked her in to the dry half of the pen so she doesn't have babies in the mud, her favorite part of the pen.   She still has a few hens that share her grain, and the little Berkshires got out of their pen and were visiting her part of the day before Poppie called them to get back in their pen.  They can push the door open but it has a spring hinged so it closes and they can't get back in.  Red is growing fat and sassy in his own pen.  We lost one of the piglets to a ruptured rectum, we think Red laid on him when it got cold.  So Red is alone as we don't want him to hurt the two smaller Berkshires.  They are still together until they get older and are breed able, then we will split them until breeding time.

Bubbles is here this morning, she threw up all weekend and had to go to the Dr yesterday.  She has finally stopped throw up and is pleasantly sleeping in my bed.  Cubbie is awaiting Pre-school she loves her time to learn.  Miss Pre-school always makes if fun for her and she gets to be one on one with some who just wants to teach her things, she actually wants to learn. 

I am hoping to get some cleaning done, even at their best Poppie and the Ladies just don't seem to see all the things that bug me that aren't clean.  I know that things that don't bother me drive others crazy so I get to see a  little of it in reverse. 

I got my newest book by M. R. De Haan, had read all the others I had gotten so am excited to get into this one.  This one is about the book of Ruth,  I have always liked the book of Ruth she was such an inspiration.  This book promises to be great. It is told from the perspective of Naomi being Israel in prophesy.  I am excited to read the perspective.  Our daily Bible reading is coming along great and the Ladies have started new parables to learn.  The longest ones yet, 16 verses each.  The parable of the talents.  I love that they learn so much in their memorizing.  Off to start the day and await Pre-school.  I hope the Lord comes into your life in a new and exciting way, he will you know its all for the asking.....tomorrow.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Do Ladies fight? We are missing and adjusting......

Do Ladies fight?  I am here to tell you, yes they do.  I don't know if it is growing pains or it is just that the winter grows long.  The two of them have been bickering all morning.  Poppie says it is just like when Goofy and Mokie were little.  I said it is nothing like how they fought.  They were farther apart and their lives were really always different from one another.  I am not sure the older two ever found common ground to be compatible on.  I think as adults they do find commonality but not really ever as little girls.  They are probably the most opposite girls that I have ever known.  Sad they never seemed to find each other to be close.  I was about the same distance from my Sister as a child but did find that as adult we did have commonality and though I have 7 sisters, she is the one I think of as my sister, the one I was raised with.  I do hope that my two find their commonality some day. I digress.  My two littles tend to be so close that it is rare for them to be at each other the way they have been this morning or off and on lately.  Maybe they are having growing pains at coming into their own and embracing the differences they have and not always being so similar.  They really do compliment each other in their difference if they can learn that that is what makes them special and that they can find a way to love each other through their differences they will be blessed.  It can and will make them better people, if I can survive the process....

We are now without Bug for the first whole day since September.  He had spent a great deal of time with us over the last 6 months.  It was time well spent, and time we had not had with him since he was a teenager really.  It gave us time to reestablish our bonds, it gave him time to remember the child we raised and to decide who he is and who he wants to be for the rest of his adult life.  It gave him a new start and a renewance with God, all good things.  He is now well and truly gone and though we were glad to get our little family back it is going to take us some time to fill in the hole his leaving has caused in our family.  It think maybe that is part of why the Ladies are bickering, no big brother to pick on them.  We are going to have  to get back into routines that don't include him and that will take time.  We are glad of his going, it was time for him to spread his new wings and go but it doesn't make us miss him any less.  His dad will have the hardest time, I think for the first time in their lives they had learned to be father and son. The first time Bug was proud of his father, he understood that he was a man to be admired for his gentleness and that the quiet loving man is a man  and that that kind of man is a man as much as any hard manly logger any day.  Bug is much more able to look into himself and embrace the part of himself that is his fathers son.  The last six months have been hard in ways but hopefully they will help a man who was lost become the man God always meant him to be, the man he has long longed to be.  Godspeed to the boy who has finally become a man worthy of the name.... tomorrow.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Bug left this morning, Bubbles has the flu and do you ever stop worring about you kids?

Bug is officially off on his new adventure,  I hope he stays on the track he is cutting out for himself. He is a much better man for having God in his life and remembering where he came from and where his goals want to take him. He was apprehensive when he left maybe that will stand him good remembering that he should not be in control of his life but stand back and left God take him where he wants him to go.  I send him away with love and prayers for his success. 

Bubbles was funny on Friday toward the end of the day she was trying to throw up and then would stop.  I tried to put a towel on her lap so she would not throw up all over me.  She did not want the towel on her lap and she would push it away.  I told her I don't want you to throw up on me so if you have to throw up you need the towel.  She still pushed it away and then all of a sudden she grabbed it and put it on her lap and then promptly threw up on it.  She did this same little ritual twice.  I was very proud of her, she didn't want that towel on her but she definitely knew Nannie didn't want any throw up on her.  I don't think I could have managed it on me without joining her.  Poppie was in the same boat.  Mokie took her to the DR and she officially has the flu, great I hope she is just part of what we have been going through and not bringing anything new to the plate.  I am very ready to be better each and every day.

Church was nice, if a bit lonely without Bug.  Not everyone was there but they could be sick at home with the crud like we have all had.  The message was about Jonah today.  It is only a little 4 chapter book but it has such a message for us and that we should be on the path God wants us on, and if not sometime God sends his own special messenger to take you where he wants you to go.  I think that I am on the right track in so many ways these last few years, I know I have far to go and lots of work but I am on my way.  I am happy to say that my kids are all on track or making strides to be on the right tracks in their lives.  I pray that they are and if not they look to God for his guidance to put them on the path he wants them to be on.  I pray for my patience and my kids patience to know that God works in his time and not ours.  We so often get tired of God's time and try to change it but all things are done and completed in Gods time.  We just need to pray for and embrace God's time and how it works in our lives.  I hope for you God's time and will in your life. We all should be so blessed.... tomorrow.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Baby photos, Poppie and the ladies back hoe.

I finished my Etsy to dos and still trying to take it a little easy.  Today Bug finally will be on his way, God bless his endeavor.  My three grands are on their way to a new regrouping with their mom, God bless their endeavor as well.  Give both Bug and Daughter a new lease on their lives and God go with them. 

Here are some photos of Caliope and Coral with momma Cleo.  Below are photos of Poppie trying to teach his ladies to back hoe like the boys.  They just may be better when all is said and done, if Poppie has his way.

I hope you enjoy the photos as I am resting and trying to get well so thought you might enjoy seeing more than hearing.  ........ tomorrow.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Samson, Poppie comes home sick, Bowties and Berets.

I was bound and determined to be better.  I got up and started my day.  Stacked the dishwasher and laid Bubbles down for a nap.  I started making a beret our of scarps and tried to imagine in my mind how to make a bow tie out of wool scraps.  I had just started into getting my day on track when Poppie came in.  I was standing in the kitchen chopping veggies to make a veggie chowder.  He was sicker than he had been all week.  He was coughing and hacking.  He got to spend the rest of the day on the couch.  I has so hoped that we were on the mend, but someone always has to start the process over.  He is better today so let's hope it was a momentary lapse.  The chowder turned out great.

I ended up with two really cute berets, both fit Bubble really cute, one a patchwork of fun and the other a grey. I made a cute bow tie, but since I am not sure most people can tie them, as I couldn't before looking it up, I am making it a stationary tie.  I have one done and working on a second.  I have three covers to make today. I like a project even if I have to take time outs between each step in the process.

I seem to have pulled a muscle in my stomach with all my coughing.  I did the same thing last year but it was in a little bit different place and this is playing havoc with my GERD.  I am going to take it slow again today and pace myself as it seems to be working.  Still not allowed to go outside and that seem to be working.  I haven't even seen the newest baby.  Well I must get up and prepare to attack the day.  Bubble is in the front room and being quiet, never a good thing.  Her mom will be home at 5 and then no more babies until Wednesday, and a good long rest will be had by all..... tomorrow.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I have run the gambit, Etsy calls, and more babies.

I have officially gotten every type of sickness my family has shared with me and then some.  I started with razors in the throat, advanced to a UTI, then I got a deep chest cold, and finally the sinus/headache.  I was hopeful of recovery a couple of times and just made it worse so in the house until well and truly well.  Thank you one and all who contributed to over two weeks of rolling along sickness.  I think finally every one is well so maybe I am on my way to health, lets hope no one else has to share with me their special brand of being sick.  I am more than ready to be well, have lots of work to do and have two orders to fill so no more time to lolly gag.

We have now gotten more babies.  Jewels had a little boy that Yogie named Jack, he is all red with a big white star.  This morning Poppie came in to report that Sahara has had a little one, unknown yet what sex but looks just like Jack, but bigger so am thinking it will be a single but who knows at this point.  Will check on her a little later, well, I probably won't have to as Mokie is going to be taking Sahara as her own and is going to use the baby to make her stay in the pen, she likes to jump fences and she can jump all of them. The baby will be the bait too keep her home and in the pen.

I have a couple of orders to work on one for a photographer,  I have a to make a diaper cover, bow tie and hat all upcycled and patchy for photo props.  I like to make photo prop they seem to be just fun.  I also have to make covers for a 14 month old.  So no more time to be sick.  I am also working on a couple of book projects.  A playing board and a couple of paintings.  I always like to work on something new to get my energy going after being sick, kind of pulls me out and makes me get up and do something. 

I have recently found that my parents are moving, again.  My mom is a funny creature, she likes to only tell the kids she wants to help her when she does things like this.  I found out through the grapevine so I am not going to be among those helping.  I found out a lot of the others found out that way as well and they aren't all that happy about the move.  I am basically at a place in my life where I can't help some one who doesn't want my help so am no longer phased at my mothers antics.  I have heard she is keeping it secret because she doesn't like all her private stuff put on Spacebook, well since I have never spoken about my mother on facebook I may not truly be guilty of the crime I am being accused of but say la vee.  I was talking to my aunt on the phone last week and she wanted to know something about my mom's move and I told her I was not one of the kids in the loop.  My aunt said my mom was just old and acting as the old do.  I told her my dad and I had spoken about  my mom some years back and he had asked me "do you remember you mom's grandmother?"  I said "yes, she was as mean as the day is long"  He said,  "yay, I know, I live with her"   Age can do so many strange things to people.  I is surely an event of changes, and thoughts of what was that person thinking?  I love my parents but I am not in a place where I can any longer try to please some one that doesn't want to be pleased with me any way.  I spent way to much of my life jumping to a the demands of my mother and I will no longer be subject to her whims.  I love her but maybe time not spent together is better than the destruction of the love we have left...... tomorrow.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Booboo and I were too ambitious....... now grounded from the party.

We got up and went to Zootown first thing this morning.  Booboo and I were a bit off but thought we were still on the mend.  We left the house around 9 and were on the road.  The first whole family trip since we can't even remember.  Mokie and family were going to Zootown as well but we didn't see them anywhere.  Bug who was to leave yesterday will not be leaving until tomorrow so he was at home getting to get an unexpected visit with his kids.  He had had a visit on Friday but Buga had been sick and he had only got to see Eldest and M.  He invited us to a going away party for one and all, the kids will soon be going to the Zoo for an extended time.  We decided to go early to get back in time to be at his party.  He was having a special cake made.
We started down the road and Poppie put the cruise on 60, we don't have to be anywhere in a hurry.  I remarked that it's funny when the older kids were little we were young and stupid and in a hurry to be everywhere yesterday so pushed the limits all the time.  No wonder they all think we are crazy in our old age and drive like fuddy duddies.  The girls are used to going no place fast so maybe they will drive like sane people.  I digress.  We went to Ross but they didn't have anything we wanted, then we went to TJ Maxx the girls each bought two pairs of pants.  We then went to Wallyworld, the girls each got a jacket, a coat and a dress, and Booboo got an art kit.  I got a couple stretch canvases and some board canvases for a couple ideas I have.  We went to Costco got a load of all the things I have ran out of this winter, so filled the pantry as best we could.  We went over to Tuesday Morning, Booboo and I went in there.  Poppie and Yogie went next door to Harbor Light  Freight, I think that is what it is called.  We got a couple cookie sheets and some headphones for the girls Nooks or mp3 players, couldn't find a phone skin to fit my phone.  We then went over to Fuddruckers.  Booboo has been wanting to go since September.  By this time Booboo and I had been coughing all morning.  We got burgers, fries, shakes for them and lemonade for me.  Booboo was so sick she couldn't eat her burger.  We left and came home.  Both girls slept all the way home.

We unpacked the car, processed all the meat, and groceries took NyQuil and Booboo and I are now in bed.  I activated Poppies new phone and now typing to you.  Yogie and Poppie got to go to the party to play Kinects and have cake.  I hate this crud, I think between the BBFC, Church and Zootown we have way over done it. So Poppie has grounded us to bed, and wouldn't you know it Booboo likes the silly kids shows so once I am done talking to you I am off to reading my book. I truly hope one and all feel better than the two of us. ........ tomorrow.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Church, wreck, a scare and the message.....

Church was nice today, but then Church is always nice that is why I go if it was not I am too old to subject myself to the agony I once endured.  Years ago at Church we would go and my mom would set on one side of the isle hating the woman across from her and the woman across from her hating her, all knew it all endured it and all ignored it. Well, accept I am sure for God. I don't think that God wants that in his house.  I am happy at Church and have realized that as I have aged that all have problems and most of those problems are none of our business unless the person with the problem asks for your assistance.  We are to love our brothers, our neighbors, but not impose upon their lives or have them impose upon ours.  Our lives are our own and Gods.   I digress, anyway I had a great time at Church. I like to think that the Lord speaks to me every Sunday so I await on bated breath what it is he has to say to me.  He spoke through the Preacher in a contemplative manner to me today.  This is the second week the Niece, Great Niecy and Great Nephew have come.  Great Nephew is funny he always wants to set by his cousins, the girls love him and gladly make room for him, I am not sure whether he likes the cousins or saying cousins more. 

The Preacher advised us that Belle's family were in a car wreck but all are well.  Belle's Groom had a scare as well they thought he was having another stroke but it was a migraine, which can lead to a stroke so he is at home mending and in need of prayer.  The whole family surely has the prayers of one and all.  Bug is supposed to be going away to a new job,  it is an exciting adventure for him and I hope all goes well for him.  He has been so renewed in the last six months, more like the child I raised and more a whole person, he is himself on every level for the first time in years.  It is nice to be over and past the problem, and problems, that got you where you are, God willing he is on to his new improved adult life. 

The message was inspired from God so I always look to see what God has to say to me,  today he was talking about our strengths being our greatest weakness in our pathway to God.  Our weaknesses become our greatest path toward God. I recalled that as a child my mother had a few odd things she did when she was mad at my dad, she would smoke, because it made him mad, she would sometimes get in the car with or without us kids and he would try stop her as she raced away but those were both extremes.  One of the things she liked to say just to be mean when she was mad was the "whites" always had to be right.  My maiden name was White.  My mom always accused my dad of having to be right.  I am not sure I really believed it when I was little or not, because from the outside looking in my dad didn't get to be right all that much, my mom liked to be all the time.  I always saw the sorrow it caused my dad, now unfortunately my dad never gets to be right, but again I digress.   I have said before the older you are in my family the more like my dad you are, but no one is a copy of only one of their parents they are a combo of the two or maybe nothing like either.  I do like to be right, Poppie says it is because I am most of the time,  he is so nice.   He has never once said it to me as an insult.  I know that we see in others the things we hate the most in ourselves.  I am thinking maybe that is why my mom said it, I can only hope it was.  But I think that in the long run, if it was, her hated fear is eating her alive.  I tend to be touchy about people saying I have to be right, you know I am a White after all. I pray a lot about it, mostly that I only like to be right if I am and that right isn't what it is about in the end anyway. 

I think the the message was talking to me and it takes me awhile to digest what it is that the Lord wants of me.  Is it that I am a White and I shouldn't be proud and think I am right all the time?  Is it that God is telling me that I am not the victim or the victimizer that sometimes my parents relationship can be?  Is it that my strength is my biggest weakness and that to truly be humble I have to learn to be right or wrong but do it with grace and not need for that to be a sum of any problem.  Right is the solution but why should anyone care how the sum was obtained.  Should strengths be quiet and non assuming as to be a weakness?  Can I embrace my weakness?  if so what is it?  Can I let others lead and follow?  Can I not feel an ever pressing need to give more than is asked?  I don't mean in money.  Can I when asked to bring to a potluck not have to bring more than normal just because I was taught to over do?  Can I only make one hundred items and not feel an overbearing need to make at least twice that?  Is excess my weakness?  Is strength my weakness?  Is fear of not being good enough?  Is knowing that I am a rolling stone and never quite grew the right roots?  Is not knowing how to just be comfortable being me and thinking maybe some one likes me just the way I am? That they don't want something from me, they don't expect me to do something for them, they don't need me to change or conform they really just like my company and me?  I think I will try to figure out my weakness and my strength and maybe not just assume I already know.  You do know what happens when you assume.  I do...... tomorrow.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Coral and Calliope are born at NannieLand.

Poppie came in carrying a small wet muddy mess yesterday.  He had found Cleo out in the pen having just delivered a set of twins.  He carried them into the barn and gave her a straw pile to warm them.  He noticed the little one was very cold so he brought her in to me.  I immediately took her to the sink and washed in warm water.  The water temperature soon brought her up to temperature.  Her momma had been hollering at Poppie as he walked away with her baby.  I dried her off good and took her right back to her momma.  Her momma had not yet dropped her placenta so was not really letting the babies nurse.  I tried to get her to let them but she was not sure the little one I had was her baby,  I knew having washed it that that might be the case but it was the only way to warm her up quickly.  I laid the baby in the straw by her sister and kind of rubbed them together.  The other baby was mostly dry and warm.  Cleo check out the baby pawed it a little, I didn't let her hurt her, I figure I might have to bottle feed her but it was worth a try to give her to her momma who is a great mother.  Cleo nosed her and finally licked her as if to taste her, she finally let her stay but wouldn't let either nurse, which was odd for her.  I think Poppie having made her walk across the pen put her off her routine.  The bigger baby is a dark red headed Boer, her name is Coral,  the smaller babe is a funny mixed up baby, she has a light red head with a dark patch on her shoulder,  I called her Calliope.  The girls were at a sleep over last night so didn't get to see them until this morning when they brought there friends up, all 5 of the littles couldn't wait to see the babies.  So, I let the cat out of the bag in that Calliope did survive and her momma did feed her but Poppie was sure worried about her last night, he had to go out to Lozeau to get a heat light and checked on the babies several time before bed.  He went out early this morning expecting the worse and found two little babies following momma, like puppies awagging their tails.  Cleo did good and we have two wonderful little girls in our barn.  Calliope got claimed by Booboo and Coral is Yogies.  We should have a whole bushel of babies shortly.  I do so love when the babies come.

 We have one old doe that is ill and after treating her for months we are going to have to put her down today,  the cycle of life in reality.  The girls get to see life up close and personal, I like that, but sometimes it is stark reality.  Even a real little like Cubbie knows what death is on a farm, I am thinking that is what prompted her frantic melt down.  I talked to her again yesterday about the ink and she said her dad said his pen is still something she can't touch but now she knows the ink doesn't kill you, per her daddy, as well as the rest of us. 

Today is our third day of distribution for BBFC.  I can't wait.  We are up to 85 baskets this week it is wonderful that so many in the community have access to the wonderful produce.  I think that this week should be a smooth operation.  We both have learned a lot in the last two distributions and all the volunteers have been wonderful so with good people, good thoughts and God behind us how can it not be...... tomorrow.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Cubbie melts down. Oh, what kids come up with or are inspired to think up.

Yesterday was a slow day,  I was up and down most of the day, still sick but on the way to recovery.  I manage to make dinner but Poppie had to serve it.  We had meat loaf, baked potatoes and green bean that I had canned.  It was mostly an uneventful day, Bubbles is sick and spent most of the day laying with me in bed or playing with her little boom box she got for Valentines Day.  I gave them cookies in a tin so she liked that as well, Poppie mopped the kitchen, played with the littles and played pinball on the computer, his only use for computers. I read, as I was feeling better enough too, but mostly a slow restful day, well except for the melt down. 

Poppie had gone to get the kids from school and the girls were in the front room playing as Bug watched TV.  Cubbie all of a sudden started scream frantically at Bug, babbling something that he could not understand.  I could not hear her well enough to understand what she was saying so I told him to send her to me.  He sent her in and she screamed at me.  "Bubble is going to die,  she has ink on her hand she is going to die, she is going to die."  I said "honey she isn't going to die ink will not kill anyone."  She grabbed her sister and dragged her into the bathroom.  She wasn't screaming any longer so I didn't really pay attention to her.  I did look in on them a bit later to see what was up.  There Cubbie was frantically scrubbing her sisters hand with a wash cloth.   I  asked her again "what is the matter."  She said "she is going to die.  She has ink on her hand."  I said "honey ink will not hurt her."  She said "yes, my dad said ink will kill you."  I said "honey ink won't kill you. "  She said "yes, Nannie, my daddy is big like Uncle Bug and Poppie, and he knows, he said if we get ink on our hands it will kill us.  She has ink on her hands and she is going to die."  Bug had come into help me at that time, he said.  "the markers Nannie have are non toxic, they will not kill you, your sister is fine"  I am not sure that Cubbie ever really got it that her dad might not know all but that since she didn't see her sister dying we might be right.  After I got her all settled down I called her mother at work.  I told her what had happened, she was not happy about the outcome.  She said she would talk to Son.  He had intended, I am sure, to try to get them to stop writing on each other with markers but hadn't intended for her to fall apart thinking her sister was going to did.  Mokie told me this morning they had had a talk about ink so hopefully that fear is put to rest.  The things that kids come up with never seem to amaze me from things they are told.  Mokie did say that Son was not going to tell them anything like that in the future.......

Light housework to do today, more rest and BBFC paperwork to work on.  None of that should be to stressful, my NyQuil is still a comfort though yesterday I about aspirated myself on it while taking it.  I have to go find out what the two naughties are up to, no ink I hope, so, have a great day and rejoice in the day that Lord has given us...... tomorrow.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

I am not sure if I am among the living but hope to be today.

I do want to thank my children for their love of sharing.  I was sick last week with the a cold or flu they so lovingly brought to me.  My kids and my grands are so kind to share with me.  Poppie had shared as well,  I didn't actually end up in bed but struggled through with no energy and in slow mo, but that was not enough for any of them.  I shared with them they got sick and they are all well and out and about enjoying their valentines day.  Just for good measure they shared with me again and on Tuesday I woke up sicker than I have been since I quite at that office where the system was closed and I got to share the germs of fifty or more people with questionable lifestyle choices so was sick a lot.  I spent the first day flat and unable to keep even water done and gave up trying, yesterday I was able to keep liquids done and got jello and eggs for dinner.  Today I am on the mend but very aware that I am not at my best so will take it easy to get back on my feet and hop no one insists on sharing their germs again with me.  Poppie is in a lot of pain, the weather sometime effects him more than other times.  Today and most of yesterday his legs and back have been in real pain, he tried to sleep with his back brace in but determined he can't breath very well that way in bed.

 I am therefore saying in an apologetic manner that I did not abandon you I just didn't have the strength to turn on my computer for two days.  Isn't it odd that years ago we lived perfectly content lives and didn't have to feel compelled to turn on a machine.  I suppose a lot like people felt when they got phones into their homes.  How did we manage with out a phones in our home or a computer, or more like now with a computer in our hand with in our phone?  Oh to not be tied to a small hand held device that rules our world.  Wouldn't it be so easy to go back, or maybe not? 

We got our first baby goat yesterday.  I couldn't get out of bed so Poppie brought it as a surprise to my bed to see.  He was surprised to find it, at first he didn't comprehend why one of the goats was making an odd sound in the barn.  He fed they and then when Spice came out the noise go louder and more frantic.  He decided to investigate and there the little red fellow was.  He was desperately try to find his momma, on all fours wiggly though they be, he was following along.  He had a twin but the little fellow was under developed and still born.  Our first of the season, soon our barn will be full of the little ones.  It is always nice to see the little babes, my favorite time of the year, spring is on its way.  Happy Valentines day to one and all, may your love know that they are loved by you and may you know that you are loved by them.  The Lord sends us his love every day and we are always his valentines even when we know it not..... tomorrow.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Poppie in pain, Potluck, a lazy afternoon and Faith.

Yesterday was potluck, most of the people at Church were sick on some level so we shard our germs among the already stricken.  I am thinking no one will be  the lesser for the sharing.  The message was good, its funny how God always makes things into context.  I had read on one of the aspects he spoke on and the other I had seen a message on the late night sermons.  I know God has a plan for all our lives and never fails to tell us so if we but seek out his word. 

In one of the books I have been reading this week, I read where the author said that God speaks to some in hymns or song, that has always been one of the ways I know God is speaking to me or maybe it is more that he encourages me in song.  I have always had a song that out of the blue will play in my head in all it glory.  On rare occasion I have had a few other songs come forth but mostly the one, it makes me comforted to know that others experience the songs from God.  My regular song is Sing Hosanna and one of my rarer songs is The Great I am.  I have been blessed with songs this week, and the filling of my soul is over flowing. 

Poppie is in a lot of pain and was in pain all day yesterday.  He over did it on Saturday cleaning the carpets.  I told him that he had more than done enough but then he is a stubborn man and pays for his lapses on more occasions that I would like to know.  We had a quiet restful afternoon.  I hope today he just takes it easy and mends.  I have to take Mokie to the Zoo to get her new to her car today but will be making a quick trip in and back,  I will have my own vehicle and won't have to be on her schedule.  I have to pick up Booboo from school, Yogie is at home mending from being sick. 

I think one of the biggest things I have taken away from studying the word of God this week is that faith is stand alone.  It is not something we do, it is not something we can earn or work for.  It can not be proven and it can not be disproved.  You can't make someone have it and you can't take it away from someone.  Faith is given and God chooses to whom he gives it.  God knows who he has chosen to give it to.  I see people trying all the time to disprove that the world was made in 6 days or arguing how it was made in 6 days but the reality is that God doesn't want it to be provable or disprovable it is about the faith that we have in his word.  His word is either believed or not believed when you go about trying to prove it or not you no longer are believing on the basis's of faith.  Did the red sea part for Moses? yes, because God said it did, to those who would believe if they could just know for sure, that is not faith.  Did a virgin give birth to our Lord? yes, because God said so and the need for proof is not faith.  Faith is a complicated thing and all God asks of us...... tomorrow.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Yogie was too optimistic, Poppie is getting it and Acts.....

Yesterday was not a day of much energy for anyone here, the good news is the Booboo is on the mend and up and at it.  Yogie called to have dad come get her and she spent the rest of the day in the chair under a blanket.  She didn't get away unscathed, she is on Nyquil as we speak and in bed.  Poppie is now sick and since he gets sick different from the rest of us, making lots of bathroom calls.  He is not happy with any of us for sharing.  Booboo and I have pies to make today for tomorrow is potluck.  Yogie will be person non grata in our kitchen.  Poppie has a list of things he wants to do, couldn't actually take two days of rest, "one is more than enough for anyone"  and one wonders why he needs a babysitter.  

I spent the day trying to regain my energy and since I was physically doing it I figured I might as well do it spiritually as well.  I read Pentecost and After by M. R. De Haan.  It was a wonderful book, it was so rewarding a read and so very enlightening. It was on the book of Acts. It always amazes me how you can ponder on what God wants you to do and out of the blue he sends you the answer in sometimes the most obscure way.  I has been struggling for some time with some questions and seemingly out of the blue I got a book that was written by De Haan, and it having answered one of questions I have been worrying about and then I picked up another one of his books and it leads me to the answer to another of my questions.  The books are all heavy with the scriptures that are to be read in conjunction with his books. I am filled with the spirit of the Lord this morning, it is always nice to be refilled.  I am so excited that I am trying to find the rest of his writings.  The were at one time all radio sermons, how exciting to have heard them would have been.  I like when you hear a Preacher speak and you can walk aways saying "wasn't the word of God soul filling"  but am depressed when I hear some one say wasn't the Preacher's message good today.  One is not the reason to go to church and one is the only reason to.  The glory should always be God's, and never some individuals, God is no respecter of persons.  The glory of God does come forth in this authors books. The Glory of God is all ..... tomorrow. 

Friday, February 8, 2013

Tomatoes,one gone back...

Yogie helped me with tomato canning yesterday.  She was sick but not as much as her sister she never really is.  She is probably as sick today as yesterday but one day off of school was more than she could abide.  She was hoarser today but assured me she was much better.  She wants to catch up on her missed day and pick up her sister school work.  I couldn't see a reason to keep her home if she wanted to go, no fever, no coughing and no will to stay home.  We ended up with 18 quarts and 1 pint.  Yogie got to do the drop and the retrieving.  She dropped the tomatoes into the boiling water and fished them out when they split.  I cut them and put them in the jars.  We water bathed them, we put in vinegar and salt into each jar.  It was a successful canning, and very few jars empty in our cupboards.  We try to keep them full, no purpose in having cupboards full of jars most of the year. 

I have Cubbie and Bubbles this morning.  Poppie and I might be working on moving another shelf for more restructuring in the office/tooling room.  I hope to have it all done soon.  We want to finish up the girls room by removing their carpet and putting in laminate and painting.  I think that they will enjoy the process of redecorating their rooms.  I may just have enough tile to do the master bath, I would so love not to have any more carpeting in the entire house but it is a process to buy all of it and getting it gone.  I think I may get the dog pen I have begged for for five years, I am not sure but it may have given my carpet a longer lifetime.  Though I am sure that goats and kids had as much to do with it demise as did the dogs.  Either way I am glad to see it going and will not miss it once it is all gone. 

I have some soap to rebatch today and maybe a batch of laundry soap to cook.  I am still moving slow and zapped of energy but at least the will is there, which it wasn't most of the week.  I hope you have a great day and remember that the Lord gives us all and with out him we are nothing.... tomorrow.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

The littles are sick and in bed, I am some better today.

I spent yesterday in bed and since I didn't get up I knitted potholders.  I manage to knit up all the t-shirt yarn I had made.  I have a pile of white tee with logos on them to cut up still, I am thinking I am going to dye most of them a two color fade.  Since there are around thirty of them it may seem excessive to dye them all in the same dye pattern but it has come to my attention that one tee shirt doesn't go all the far.  If it has no seams it can be cut as thin as 1quarter inch and that makes for a finer longer yarn so goes a little farther but all in all they don't make a large amount of yarn.  I was thinking as I knitted, and I have found that I can knit a potholder consistently in 22 minutes.  Okay so it was a long boring morning, a whole pile of shabby chic potholders resulted though.  Anyway, I was thinking I had seen one site on Etsy where the lady was selling lovely yarn in beautiful colors and no logos spots among them.  I got to thinking surely she is buying tees in bulk, well I did find a site that sells bulk tees,  they begin at 1.39 apiece and 2.25 apiece for colored.  I am thinking I will buy some.  The thrift store ones are a good deal for one type of yarn but to make pretty yarn for other items the bulk tee would be a good deal,  I am thinking I can dye them for the difference but maybe not, will have to figure out the difference counting time and dye, or maybe it would be a matter of special colors I couldn't get pre-dyed.  Okay, I am obsessive but it was a thought and entertained my thoughts while I was abed.

The ladies are home in bed today, so good thing I am on the mend.  I will have Cubbie and Bubbles too.  I also have two boxes of tomatoes that are ready or nearly ready to be canned.  I will be working on that this morning.  I am making progress on my Bible studies and nearly done with the one I am working on and just got a delivery of the three M.R. De Haan's I won on Ebay after reading the one he wrote on I Corinthians.  I have found he wrote twenty five books altogether so it will take me awhile to find all of them, if I can.  I am way to cheap to buy to new printings of them.  I did find a group of them mixed in with some that his son wrote. I have no idea if I like his son's writing but if I win them I will find out.  If I don't win them maybe God did feel I needed to read those ones.  I am interested in going to  the weekly book club at the library and as I don't read novels I didn't think I could be within the curriculum that they abide by.  This month they are doing books about letters.  I am thinking that surely I can find a book that I would read that complied with letters.  I could after all read an epistle if nothing else but I have chosen Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul,  I am thinking the little non fiction stories are written in what I would say are letters.  I was told by Poppie this morning that if all of them make me cry he will take away my book.  I told him they all didn't make me cry so he allowed me to keep my book.  Men they never will realize that crying isn't always about being sad.

I hope you have a great day,  I hope the Lord blesses you and your house.  I pray the girls get by with being no sicker than I was. ....... tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Sick, not allowed out of bed......

I am here to witness to those of you who think that I run my family, and that includes my son who sometimes doesn't have a clue, that is is all window dressing,  I run what Poppie allows me to run and nothing more.  Funny it took along time in our early marriage for that to evolve and happen so I am proud to have gotten there.  NO, Poppie is not abusive and doesn't make me obey him, I do it because I love him.  I do it because God asked of me to give my obedience to my husband as the head of the household.  I do it because he is my soul mate and my friend and he never askes of me what I have not already given to him out of love.  Okay, so today I am in bed and have been told to stay there and that it is all my fault that I am sick because I know that will happen if I walk in the cold with my gerd, so he has very little sympathy.  No, he doesn't have any sympathy, so that is why he brought me coffee and is picking  me up a new bottle of NyQuil and made sure I was all tucked in.   I have no one to blame but myself he says.  Well if that is so why is his throat sore, could it be that I am sick of the thing that is going around, perish the thought, he can't whine at me if that is so, and sometime he likes to whine especially if he wants to take care of me, makes it easier if he can say it is my fault and that way he doesn't have to come to terms with the fact that he will be sick later in the week, procrastination they name is man....

Booboo's marmalade turned out very nice, seems thick enough as it set, nice to have just fruit, sugar, water and time into a jelly, no nasty chemicals.  It is very pretty, Pineapple Orange Lemon Marmalade.  I just about scotched it at the end so it has a few dark patches but it just adds a little caramelized taste.  Poppie likes it and that is amazing since he never likes marmalade.  Booboo is making me marmalade toast in bed, I don't want to hear the lion roar..

I have my book to keep me company, it is the second in a series on faith and living in the times we live in.  The first book had a few good parts and the some out there thoughts.  The second book has been a lot better, some really enlightening studies on life, that are a blessing.  I may reread the second just to make it more into my soul and thought.  They both are mostly Scripture and not a huge amount of extra talk and I like that.  I don't like when they take one Scripture and make a whole book on it.  I like when it is a lot of Scripture and a few thoughts.  Resting, reading and removing myself from any rath that I would bring on from Poppie if I were to get out of bed... tomorrow.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Trees, fruuits, do we really ever break free of our precieved postions.....

Are you an orange tree that thinks it is an apple tree or are you an apple tree?  Are you stuck in the same childhood mindset that you were raised to be or is that who you are?  Does that mind set make you who you are indefinitely or are you really ever able to break free and become something new? and if you do does any one even notice?  Do our perceptions change or are we so set that we don't see change, or do we care?  Does it ever matter? should we care or do we have the right to even wonder?

Okay, so I had one of those contemplative looong sleepless nights.  My throat is sore and I am on my way to that developing in something worse I fear.  Booboo and Yogie are showing signs of following my lead.  Booboo and I spent the evening slicing oranges and lemons with the meat slicer,  watching my 9 year old slice so close to the 8 inch razor was very nerve wracking, but you have to let them try at the top of their ability.  She is proud of her slicing and the marmalade it made but for the simmering.  Now, it comes down to the reducing and the jarring,  never made marmalade that you had to set 12 hours in the middle of the cooking, so we will see how it turns out.  Lemons and oranges to make up for the sweet oranges and not the Seville...  Still need to get my act together or I would have had the right oranges but I am thinking Poppie is more likely to eat sweeter than tarter, oh, I truly would have liked the tarter, but I digress.

I think that we all start as a seedling,  we have all our structure and branches by the time we are ready for school.  We really are little sponges as small children.  Think of the accomplishment that an infant or a toddler make in such a short time.  If we adults could but accomplish a little of what an infant does in a year we would own the world.  We become who we are to be in our first five years, well not engineers, doctors or presidents but we are the person on the inside that we are most likely to always be, changing is almost impossible.  The oldest child will always be the oldest child, they are expected to be accomplished and do what they are told, they are expect to help with the others, no mater how many others there are to be,  they have to learn to be right and not being right is a hard thing for them to accept.  They are most often the experiment for the second, third or 10 children to come,  almost all parents come to parenting with out a manual. I have meant people with them so some parents do have them, written by some well meaning professional parent.  I digress.  Oldest children are a mixed bag of successes, failures, confidence and the child lost.  They have depths that are not seen, are not understood and are almost always misunderstood.  You know, people find them bossy, they can be over bearing and they can be such solid examples, yes, they can and they can be complete messes, but mostly on the inside.  Middle children tend to be the mediators, the lost child that people over look and forget, they are the spare sometimes.  They are not the baby and not the depended upon oldest child, they are most often not mom's or dad's favorite, they are somewhere in the middle, physically and mentally.  The just are.  The babies is just that and most likely will always be that, the baby, the last hurrah, the little darling, the one the others had to jump to and cater for.  They know they are special and they never let you forget it.  They have a terrible time coping with the reality of adult life, they are a lot like the current generation of babies of baby boomers, they don't know how to fail or is it just that they have never been allowed to, they always got a ribbon so how is it that the boss at their job doesn't know that?  Didn't he get the memo?  I know that each of these placement of children are not a fully developed view of all children but I would bet you can find a truth in my view if you think about it.  Doesn't it amaze you that when you get together with your siblings you automatically go right back into that old pattern, the one you have tried so hard to shed as an adult.  You are not the position of your birth but does any one in your family understand that?  Or is it that that is the personality you portray? and you are kidding yourself that it is someone else's issue?

So the seeding has a shape, an identity, and it knows what or who it is as an adult, well sort of?  The Bible tell us that our salvation is free, and it is.  I spent most of my adult life believing that once saved always saved was not my belief.  I no longer hold that view but it has been a long time coming, a lot of prayer and a lot of Bible studying to get there.  I had a hang up with people who spent years in spiritual positions saving others and preaching the Word and then out of the blue they became true atheists.  I couldn't imagine that that could be so,  how would the Lord take some one to glory that cussed his very existence.  I overlooked that yes, salvation is free, yes we are saved by grace and not by anything we do, but the bottom line is once saved always saved, so is the answer that because we can't actually see other peoples salvation that the preacher who became the atheist was never saved in the first place?  God alone knows our salvation and always knew their heart, but alas we did not?  Is an orange tree an apple tree just because it says it is?  Is a christian a Christian if his life doesn't produce Christian fruits?  I don't know that it is my business either way but I do know that as a Christian I am saved by grace and that grace comes by hearing and believing through faith.  If I have faith can I truly live completely outside of God's wishes? can I truly hate the God that showed me that grace?  Can salvation be that totally unseeable?  I don't think that Charles Manson is saved, by his fruits we know him, could it be that we just don't see his salvation?  I don't know.....

Dose life change who we are?  Do we develop and evolve?  Do most people ever notice?  Does it matter if they do or don't?  Is  the angry 20 year old always condemned as being angry, and out of control, when it has been years since they have been anger at almost anyone?  Does not agreeing mean you are anger?  Is it that your evolution is so minute in other peoples lives that they missed it entirely and they never looked past what they expect you to be to see what you have become?  Did they miss that an orange tree can become an apple tree because of the transformation of salvation, but they expect to see oranges even though they just picked apples from your branches?  I think so many people worry to much about others, and they forget that life is about the transformations you make and that you be accountable to yourself and God.  No one knows the struggles that you work through everyday,  we all struggles and try to make changes that go unnoticed ever day.  We are a selfish creature of our own flesh. Is it that we are so wrapped up in our own metamorphoses that we don't see the butterfly our friend, sibling or mate have become.  We should not dwell on others, personal lives in a manner that is demeaning or gossipy but we should glory in the beautiful person they become.  We know not if they sorrow, if they are in pain, are lost or need our love and help if we don't ask and don't step up and volunteer our support.  I Corinthians 13:13  And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.   I don't think that charity is about giving a check, it is about giving of yourself, even if you step in it, even if you make mistakes, even if you don't know how to proceed or help.  Charity is about showing up every time, doing the best, getting it wrong and trying again.  Charity is about giving when you have nothing left to give and doing it over and over again...... tomorrow.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Second week of Baskets, in the bag..... The Lord Blessed us with baskets...

Yesterday was a full day here.  Poppie took the girls to basket ball before 9.  I decided at 9:30ish to walk in and watch.  It is about 2 miles to the school from the house,  the day was lovely and the walk was nice, if slow, as I have not walked for awhile.  I got there and made the girls quite happy at my arrival.  I was happier later that I had got to see them play as as it turned out they didn't get to go to the game later.  I had the car and Mokie was not home to take them, I was sorry for their loss.  Poppie has promised to take them to shoot hops later at the school grounds.  They are soothed and can't wait to compete, with dad, and each other. 

Lady and I were early for BBFC, to get things straightened out and ready before volunteer time.  It was a good thing, the room was set for a meeting or a banquet, maybe it was both.  We got the tables put away and the room ready to go.  We had one lady show up a bit later.  We were all talking about whether we would have baskets or not. I said I knew the Lord would provide them,  though we did bring sacks just in case.  The lady, I will call her, Caseworker, she does that in her real life, was not sure and felt stuffing bags together the better plan.  I told her she should be supporting my prayers, and she said it would make me prayer better if she was thinking different than I was. In the end my prayers were answered, God did provide, and the baskets were on the truck.  I knew they would be.  The truck was a little late, he had had to be two places at once prior to us but in the end all produce got unloaded, distributed to the baskets and pickup time went well.  We had one little hitch but in the end it all worked out well and all the baskets ended up where they were supposed to go and all were happy with their produce. 

The girls and I went to the store before I went to baskets and since I messed up and didn't get my citrus pack ordered we checked on oranges at the store.  They are not the marmalade ones that we were to get, but they are on sale so, Booboo and I got oranges and lemons, to make up for that they aren't the sour marmalade oranges, to make marmalade with.  We are going to let the tomatoes ripen a few days before we can them.  So marmalade today.  We are going to use the meat slicer to cut the citrus so the we get it extra thin.  It should make for a nice mix, and we are using Martha's recipe.  Wish us luck. 

I talked to a lady about piano lesson's for Booboo, Yogie is not interested in the least.  The beloved music teacher, that just passed on to glory, had just spoken to Booboo about having lesson's in either piano or guitar, as he thought she had an aptitude for it, just before his passing.  She will always remember his encouragement, he meant a lot to her.  She is especially loving of teachers, I think, because she so wants to be one when she grows up.  The world will be a better place if she succeeds.  I hope to do everything I can to help her accomplish her dream. 

Off to Church today, Pianist and Texas ordered a basket and a guacamole pack so we will get to see how they liked them.  I hope you have a day of rest and the Lord blesses your Sunday.  The best day of the week we get to praise the Lord in an assembly of called out people, Church..... tomorrow.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

There is a always a reason but never an excuse....

Poppie and I were both broken people when we married.  My mom has been a broken person since March of 1965, the day her parents were killed in a car wreck on their way to my Grandma Thelma's dad's funeral.  They were killed in a car accident in a freak snowstorm in late March, they were kill on a terrible pass in Washington State, I think Stephens but it could have been Snowqualamee.  I was only 4 and a half.  I do remember the last moment I saw my Grandmother Thelma.  I had begged to go see them, before they left, so we had stopped by to say good bye, what a blessing to have gotten to, we did not know however that it would be a forever goodbye.  I remember her standing in the doorway waving.  She was a lovely red headed woman, she was just 40.  I regret no knowing her really at all.  My mother was never the same,  I know very little about her but the occasional because my mom doesn't, and never did, really talk of her to any length.  My mom is not a minute more mature than the moment of her mothers death.  My mom is and will ever be stuck right there.  I know to most of you that she is a lot of things, to a lot of people, but she is that lost girl of 23 when it comes down to the brass tax.  An almost twenty four year old that got robbed of her beloved parents can have a lot of anger, issues and when frozen forever they tend to permeate other peoples lives.  It is not and excuse but it is the reason.  Oh, that someone had been able to help her become the woman she could have been, oh that some one could have helped her go on, and oh I wish she would let someone do it still, but alas you can not help some one unwilling to be helped.  I learned that in Helpline training, and I guess from life. 

Poppie's mom has her own issues.  She came home one day when Poppie was 4 months old found her husband, that she had know and loved for only 13 months, in bed with another woman.  She left, and took Poppie, I know she longed for her love to come after her and say he loved her and beg her to come home.  He never did and she never got a moment older.  She loved him from afar until the day he died.  She lead and leads a sorrowful existence, she lives for what could have been and has made horrible choices for herself and her children.  Poppie endured a horrible amount of abuse because of her choices.  He did have a small reprieve in living with his grandparents until they both died when he was around ten.  They were both nearly 80 and had had little patience with a small child but they loved him more than anyone else in his life so they were his blessing.  They passed and Poppie got to go live with his step-dad, and that was devastating it is only by God's grace that he survived the 6 years he lived with them.  Thank God that he got to escape to Job Corp when he was 16.  It is not an excuse but it is the reason. 

Poppie and I came to each other with a lot of baggage, as do most couples, but it wasn't the normal ones of a couple of 19 year olds.  I was angry and had not idea that I even was or why.  Poppie was so afraid of showing any anger ever he had bottled it up and put it way down deep inside of him.  Anger would have gotten him killed and lying helped him survive.  Neither excuses but the reasons. 

Poppie struggled for years with lying, it was hard on our marriage, but Poppies biggest fear would be that he would hit someone, me or the kids, and he knew what being hit was like.  He never did, not once, but finally when the mill closed, a devastation and a blessing, he learned how to be angry.  He spent about a year and a half, in self pity,  drinking, lost and very angry.  The last time he was really anger, he was drinking and something set him off, he threw a plate threw a window, threw food all over the floor, and as he walked out the door he put his fist through the antique door window that he had bought especially for me.  He wanted me to know he was anger.  Once he calmed down, sobered up, we had a talk.  I told him I was glad he was angry, and that he should have gotten to be angry as a kids but he was 33 with a wife and kids that needed him.  It was time to grow up, get over it and get on with his life.  I could not change his past, and he got screwed when it came to parents and situations, but he had to make a choice to live his life and not live his past.  Not and excuse but the reason.  He is, and has been, a wonderful man ever since, doesn't drink, and doesn't even smoke anymore.....  He is the reason not the excuse.

I am still a work in progress, I spent my twenties in anger,  my thirties in depression and my kids paid the price for my failures.  I was an okay mother but I fell so short in so many levels, but I think that might be a hindsight thought a lot of mother have.  I gave up novels in 1997,  they weren't the reason but they were my escape and excuse, I was and am an addict and will never read one again.  I joined the helpline in my 40's cut the abscess of my sexually abuse and learned that it was part of my past, I survived and it no longer held any hold over me and the sharing of it made it no longer have any power over me.  It was such a blessing to share with people.  These were all my excuses, and maybe some of my reason, but I had learned that being open and honest helped me to cut the pain out of my life.  I am still cutting the pain from my past life out,  I write to you, and you unfortunately, have to be my suave.  You individually are not important in my recovery but you as a whole let me give up the pain.  You are not my reason, you are not even my excuse but between you and God I have an ear that lets me speak and heal.  I am now so much closer to being all I can be, I am not where I need to be but I am surely on my way.  God bless the pain that creates us and God bless the healing that we become... tomorrow.

Friday, February 1, 2013

The Symphony, grands, heartburn, crs.... you know the norm.

Yogie and Dimples are off on a field trip today.  It is actually a day off from school but their wonderful teacher has scheduled a field trip, all that are going volunteered to go.  She normally takes her class on field trip annually, for a special symphony day, but this year it fell on a day off from school. She went out of her way to make sure those that wanted to go enjoy a special trip to see the symphony, something most of them haven't experienced, get to go.  They will be having pizza on the field trip as well, but I think it is the kindness of their teacher and the music they will remember the most. 

I will be home with all of Mokie's kids, and Booboo.  She will be a blessing for me today.  Yesterday Yogie went with Mokie to go feed rabbits and Booboo and Dimples stayed home to feed rabbitis here.  The two of them have rabbits as their 4-h project. There is no project leader so I have to step up and help them work through it here at home.  I think I have to help Yogie in the same manner with her goat project.  I do believe there is a pig project leader so Yogie and Booboo will attend those, but I will have to make up the difference for the three in rabbits and goats.  I digress.  Anyway, Booboo wanted to help Bug make dinner, as he secretly didn't want the goat stew I made and since is wasn't quite done and Poppie was a little sick I agreed, he volunteered to make polish dogs and homemade french fries.  Booboo was so excited to help him but he wanted to wait until Yogie got home, Booboo entertained Dimples while Yogie was gone.  Alas, when Yogie arrived Bug was tired of the girls and decided he only wanted to work with one of them, he mistakenly assumed Dimples was Booboo guest so shooed them out of the kitchen and insisted Yogie help him,  she doesn't like to cook all that much, except with mom, and didn't want to but Bug would have none of it.  So the one who wanted to help her brother lost out, the one who didn't want to help was testy and the brother was clueless.  I guess you never can fix everything and you shouldn't try if the fixee is an adult that is not listening.  Fries made, girls feed and Nannie had heartburn all night.  Imagine that, fried food, mustard and ketchup all on the normal heartburn list, oh to have been able to eat the lovely goat stew.  Today they all eat goat stew and maybe my heartburn will got away.

I have all three grands today,  Bubbles is sucking her bottle all cuddled up to me now, her mom dropped her off.  Boy and Cubbie will arrive when their dad drops them off, Cubbie will be going to pre-school with her mom at 10 so that is great.  I will have to deal with Boy and I hope Booboo will help me out with that.  He has been especially continuous this week, and the last couple weeks come to think of it, maybe it is just the winter blues I really don't know but I do not look forward to naughty boys.  I think it will be nice enough for him to be outside part of the day so that is a blessing. 

I think maybe, just maybe I will get to have some time with Booboo so we can make an fresh apple cake and maybe that will soothe her slightly from last night.  We are going to make canned tomatoes this coming week from the tomatoes we ordered from BBFC.  We were to make marmalade but I am not the brightest bulb in the pack and messed the ordering of the citrus up so bad I don't see it on the check out sheets.  Now, I think I have to put in for a credit form, I guess I had to sometime but didn't think it would be for myself.  Say la vee, I hope the Lord blesses you with  his best for you today, I know that he does every day but it is never wrong to pray for blessings, while praising... tomorrow.