Thursday, February 28, 2013

We are called to repect our parents, sometimes it is harder to do than one would think.......

I was raised to love and respect my parents and I do but sometime it is harder to do than others.  I didn't know on many levels any other way as that was just the way it was and what you were to do.  I was raised with an iron fist when it came to doing what you were told and if you didn't you paid the price for not doing so.  I know that we all make our biggest mistakes with our oldest child and my parents were no different.  I was raised with the rule of very little lee way in absolute compliance.  I did notice that as the more kids came the rules seemed to change for each.  I understand this as I have always had one on one rules with my kids but not the way I was raised.  The rules in my house were the same but applied to each with their personality included.  The rules as we grew up on were much more odd.  My parents raised three family units, us older kids which included 5 and at one time 6, then there were the three little girls and finally the triplets.  Each division a unique unto themselves a different family.  We olders had a basic set of rules but it was most definitely applied to each differently.  I had the strictest rules, and it went down from there.  I think one of the examples, that makes it the clearest to me, was when I was 18 I had gone to a dance at the fair, it ended at 1:30 and I didn't get home until 3:00, I had to be at work at 5:30.  My dad meant me with the belt, no excuse I made could, or would, change that I was in trouble.  I got a whipping, I am thinking it was the closest I ever got to being beat and not spanked.  I had black and blue strap marks from my hip to my knees.  My mom was not happy with me and I was disciplined to her satisfaction.  The next night my sister went to the dance didn't not come home any sooner and not a word was said about her being late.  The only sympathy I go in the whole matter was the compassion my sister gave me knowing that the punishments were not the same.  I might add that that was the last "spanking" I ever got, funny how many adults can say that?  I do know that my brothers and sister in the older set were subject to many of the same rules and disciplines.  The little girls rarely got spanked at all and they could say things to my parents that none of us older kids would ever have said to them, and most of us wouldn't to this day.  The triplets, I not sure have ever gotten spankings and the foul way those triplets speak to my dad would make a criminal set up and take notice.  They have absolutely no respect for him and treat him like he is the garbage. 

I am not sure that that much mellowing of the rules is normal.  I find that I can not go visit my folks, I truly can not abide the mean spirited way that my dad is treated.  I am truly not sure if he doesn't understand and has slipped into a bit of Alzheimer's or dementia or if it is just easier for him to pretend he has so he can survive the day.  I do know that I am no longer able to endure the pain of being in mix of how they live their lives.  I do know that one of the things, or maybe the most important thing I learned as a domestic violence advocate was the you can't help a victim that is not willing to allow you to help them.  I can't help so I don't allow myself to be the victim of watching it and not being allowed to change or help the situation. 

My parents are moving from Paradise to Charlot's heights.  We lived there when I was about 4 so I am sure there is lots of loving memories there and maybe they are hoping to rekindle that part of their lives.  I have be told as, my mom only allows the kids she can get the most out of to help her at any given time.  I am of no help and probably currently the enemy so am one of the kids not in the loop.  I am also told I am not alone, and the others left out were not happy about it either.  I am actually not upset but a little relieved to not have to help.  I did hear the move is for a bazaar reason but that is normal not out of the ordinary.  I digress.  They are moving and doing it in their own style.  My parents had a car wreck last week, no one hurt, my dad got a lecture from mom and the identicals, oddly the third was at home alone awaiting their return from the gas station.  I won't expound upon that because I am to aghast.  The car was totalled and they are getting a different one tomorrow.  A big glitch in the move I am thinking.

I did hear one more bit of gossip, I am not sure it is gossip when you do care about the process of your parents aging and their choices but maybe it is.  My mom has decided for the 100th different time in the last 11 years, that is how old they are, that she should maybe make arrangements for the triplets if she or dad should die,  They have as you know had health issues, one a heart attach, a second, and the other one a stroke.  Mom uses the placement, or has in the past as a big reward to her children., I am thinking with their gentle and loving personalities, they would not be a reward but a conviction, but again I digress.  Mom sent out the edict that she is going to leave her girls, if anything should happen to them, to the following.  A mother that doesn't work, to some one who does not live in Mineral County, some one who would not make them go to public school, someone who would not adopt them, etc.....  Can you say Power and Control.  I am thinking that I am so glad I live in Mineral County, whew what a relief.  I do try to love the three of them, and do one on one but as a group of harpies that attack my dad not so much.  I am having a bad morning maybe or maybe it is just one of those where the injustice sets me up for hours of trying to understand the hows and whys of ageing. 

It amazes me how some older people are the epitome of wisdom, grace and aging.  It further amazes me that some people get so lost they no longer resemble the person they once were.  How is it that age and time can cause such extremes?  How can you respect, which is a commandment, what you can't even fathom or comprehend?  How to you help when you are not ask but perceived to be as the enemy? for what you have no idea?  How do you love when you can't even understand?  I spend a lot of time praying for all of them, I know my mom would say I am a liar, and a sinner for even my beliefs at this point but I do.  I do know that in the end it is all in Gods hands and I have no concept of his will.  I do wish them whatever it is that they seek and know that I am not welcome in their current lifestyle.  It does not make me miss my folks the less but it is sad to have said your last good byes, in ways, years before the actual loss.....tomorrow.

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