Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Goofy, my oldest child, child of my heart and my biggest frustration

I have said before the the moment Goofy was born she was my end all be all. I know that God in his wisdom allows us the total love of our children when he gives them to us. He also allows them the freedom to grow from needing us for everything to becoming strong functioning adults that eventually will no longer need us. Need does not define love and should not be confused with it.  I will categorically say now that I love my daughter but currently have not relationship with her, which saddens me to no end and makes me have times of wondering what I did wrong. I understand a great deal of the time that she is an adult and has made her own choices, a great deal of which were so wrong, and that I can not take the blame for them but that doesn't take away my times of self failure.

Goofy is a study in contrasts, I see her with the love of a mother and many times give her the benefit of the doubt and ennoblement. I also see her from the eyes of reality and there in lies the rub. She was molested as a child, around 11, and she began to tell lies, she was and is very good about it. I can tell when all of my other children are lying to me, with her it is just an educated guess at best. She started dating a younger boy when she was around sixteen, he eventually hit her alot, I don't know if it was all his nature or if she knows how to push her partners into it, in her need to be the victim. The young boys mother, who has a different philosophy in life than we in our family do, found out Goofy was pregnant by her son and a blackmailed Goofy into letting her take her to get an abortion. I didn't not know or find out for a long time after it happened so was unable to help her.  I believe the patterning of these two events helped to create a need to be a victim, much like a hypochondriac has to have been truly sick to crave the need to be sick again for the attention.

Goofy continued in the relationship for another couple of years until the boy finally dumped her and moved. She immediately went into another relationship and they were married in less that 3 months. They were both adults and took no advice from other.  They had a stormy sometimes controlling and abusivee relationship. She left him when he threatened to hit her by raising his fist to hit her, she came home, he spent the night on the phone calling and threatening her and the family to try and get her to return. He finished by cocking a gun on the phone and threatening to kill himself. He did try later that night to kill himself with pills. The police found him and admitted him to the phych ward. My sister, Drama Queen, sided with him in all of these events. She helped him over turn the order of protection we got against him. She housed him when he came home, and as she lived two door away from us allowed him the ability to stalk us. Goofy finally got her divorce and custody of both the girls.

Over the course of the next year she got a new girl friend that help her meet men, lots of them, and gamble, and become addicted to it. She now needed lots of help but was unwilling to get any. Poppie and I finally stepped in and she gave us guardianship of the girls and eventually adoption. Goofy became pregnant again but the dad of the baby, had been in a car accident, in which, he was driving under the influence and a girl passenger died. He was sentenced to supervised prerelease and probation. They struggled to continue with a relationship but in the end before the baby was born she had new boyfriend. The new boyfriend was nice enough but a drug addict. We had long since stopped allowing Goofy to have her boyfriends around our girls. She got custody of the baby, Song, she got rid of the boyfriend eventually and got a new one. She for some reason desperately wanted a boy baby and it was not to be. She and her new boyfriend were actively trying to get pregnant to have a boy. Her new boyfriend was the worst of the lot, lied like he was breathing, had other children that the state had taken away. Shortly after Goofy was pregnant he got another girlfriend and they were pregnant as well. Buga, a girl, was born and Goofy was dating a new boy, this one was a boy, he lied to me on the phone to help her hide from taking care of Buga and Song. Song spend most of her time with Mokie and Son.  Buga spent her time with Bug and Daughter. Goofy never was home, in her trailer on our property but not living in our home. The trailer became unlivable and she was going to move into a known drug house. We at this point were used to it and couldn't change her decision, then she decided she was taking Buga and Song. I could no longer stand by and not protect the two little ones. We had given  her a second chance when we had adopt the two older girls but she had thrown the chance away and had spiraled down hill. I had to call Child Protective Services to keep the girls safe. The short of it, Song, got to live with her dad. Buga got to live with Bug and Daughter. Mokie and Son were devastated by the loss of Song. Buga's adopt will be final this May.

My sister, Drama Queen, did everything in her power to get Buga taken away from us and placed with her, the Social Worker, eventually saw through her deceptive games and she was not considered for Buga's placement. I know you wonder why they didn't place her with Poppie, the girl and me. It just wasn't where she belonged, Goofy had allowed her to be with Bug, Daughter and their two kids, she was bonded with their family not ours. She was our granddaughter, not our daughter. Goofy left during the process, 2 years ago, getting on with her life and no longer caring what happened to the girls, leaving us to deal with CPS and the courts. She and her new boyfriend, married and have a little boy, Riley. They live in Georgia and her husband is in the service, has served in Iraq and Afghanistan.

He emailed me last October and told me all of Goofy's problems were caused by me and he threatened me, enough that I could get an order of protection. I emailed him back that we no longer wanted them to contact us in any manner and if they came on our property we would have them arrested. They did visit in Christmas in town, did not come here but did stop at Bug's house. That totally finished the relationships between Mokie and Bug with Goofy. She is now pregnant again. We are at an impasse, She does know she could just call me and I would work it out with her. Her husband at this point not so much. I hope this was not boring but to understand the family dynamics I had to try to explain...... as I have said before I do have a second chance, I actually did raise good older kids but will try again....... Tomorrow.

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