Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Poppie learned how to become angry and deal with it.

Poppie had not had much as a kid so when we got married he was a little selfish and didn't know how to share. He had never had anything to share, didn't know how to not spend every thing he did make when he was old enough to make money. He did learn quickly that we had more if I took care of the money. My mom tends to be a bit of a spendthrift and my dad made enough money most of the time to pay for what she wanted. I had no real financial training but I am a quick learner generally. We were growing up together in many ways, we each took the good in each other and both tried to fix the undesirable qualities, as we saw them, in the other. I would say our marriage in the beginning was a 10/90 split. As we grow I  gave up more of my control and Poppie learned how to take more of the control. To this day people who aren't close to us may thing that I am the one in control but the reality is that we have a 50/50 relationship Poppie is just quieter.

One of Poppie biggest fears at first was glass dishes. He wouldn't eat from them, hold them or even like to be around them. I thought that it was an odd thing to fear. The more we talked and grow the more it was a mystery to me. When I first meant Poppie he drank alot, liked the bars. I wasn't raised with drinking and had almost never been in a bar even when I was being rebellious.  The legal age was 18 when we got together so I wasn't breaking the law. So I learned that if you talked to Poppie, when he was drinking, he would tell you thinks about his life he couldn't when he wasn't. I found that when his Mom and stepdad went drinking they locked him out of the house until they came back, anytime of the year, so he spent many a night in the dogs house with him for warmth. Poppie to this day has an uncanny relationship with dogs, that is why we have 7. He told me lots of things that made me understand him more, he didn't always remember telling me but sometimes he did. We grew closer as I never laughed or belittled his accounting's. I just loved him and was sad for the little boy who had suffered. One night he told me about how important dishes were and that breaking them was really bad. I then knew why he was so afraid of glass dishes. I tried, in the next weeks, to figure out how to help Poppie not be afraid of dishes. It came to me one morning. I took, out of the cupboard, all the glass plates I had when he came into the room I drop one, he looked at me like I was crazy. I dropped another and another until it dawned on him they were just dishes, they were only things, they didn't have any real value they were just for eating on, he got it. Poppie soon after started using them on his own and no longer even thinks about dishes.

Poppie and I at first had never fought. My aunt had been friends with a neighbor of Poppies Mom and stepdad, when she meant him she had told me, "you be nice to him, he deserves it, as he has had a really hard time with them." I already knew that but it was nice to see that other had been watching, though they hadn't cared enough to help him as a child. When we did start to fight Poppie would shut down as say, "you are are right, I am wrong." and then not talk to me at all. It made me madder and I got more angry than if he had just talked to me. It took me along time to not be frustrated with fight with myself, all relationships need to have disagreements, but ours didn't work well that way. We had been married 15 years when Poppie lost his job, a new company had bought the mill and couldn't come to an agreement with the union so they shut it down, 60 day notice and we were out of a job.  Poppie was so scared. We thought about moving to a job near where his family was and leaving living next to mine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. We struggled through. Poppie started to drink alot, and he started to get angry at everything and voice it. We were all so happy for him, I know that sounds strange but it had taken him along time to get to do what ever teenager gets to do. The right to grow from being angry at your world and voicng your anger. He was anger for about 18 months, the kids and I talked on egg shells alot of the time.

One day he broke the glass in the front door, the door was an antique door with a bevelled round glass window, he really still did have issues with glass and was breaking it on purpose. The door was one he had bought and refinished for me. He broke it on purpose to hurt me and make me made at him. I looked at him and I said, "You know I am really glad you found your anger. I really am sorry that you had a hard time as a child, but I can't change the past and neither can you. It is nice that you have finally learned the anger that every 18 year old knows but you are 35 years old, you have three kids and it is time you grew up. If you can't do that don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out." Poppie got over his anger and we got on with our lives.  Poppie had obtained his 50/50 in our relationship, his manhood and he had conquered his past. He stopped drink, at first a beer a week, and then when he was put on pain maintenance to control his pain, he quit drinking at all. When he had his accident, with the tree, the doctor said it would change him, the brain damage was such that he would be different, and he is, I can see it but most people can't, he is easier to anger but it is so quiet and controlled you have to see the suddle signs. When he turned 50 he decided to quit smoking, he had tried for me and the kids in the past numerous times, but this time he quit for himself. I am not saying he hasn't cheated once or twice but for the most part he is succeeding, he chews gum and eats his treats but doesn't smell like an ashtray anymore. We are all proud of the man Poppie is and wouldn't change a minute of his life, I know that sounds heartless but if we change him for a minute would we have the same Poppie?.... next time.

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