Rain makes me want to hibernate, Creating is addictive and kids are freeing.

I have battled depression on different occasions in my life, in my 30's I was stricken for a long time with out true knowledge of what ailed me.  My parents don't believe in depression, though I know now that my mother suffers from it periodically, so I had no real knowledge of understanding of it then. I truly went into my room one day in 1991 and didn't come out of it for a year, except to make dinner and do minimal house chores.  My husband, loved me so much that in the end he enabled me to deeper depression.  My sister when knew no more about it than me and didn't know how to help me, the rest of my family didn't try or called me lazy. My children suffered from my illness, I have always looked back and called it my brown out, I know now it was depression and it took me about 6 years to over come it on my own. I read incessantly, and it became my addiction or the symptom of my affliction.  I no longer read novels and haven't since 1997, I finally went to the doctor in 1997 and she put my on a trial dose of Paxil, it made me commotose.  My children couldn't take me being the "same" I no longer was angry, down or sad, but I no longer was happy or "there".  I was on the lowest dose so it scared me, I had gotten enough balance from the 6 weeks I was on it I could make myself emulate the balancing effect but still have emotions, my kids liked that mom has both angry and had laughter to share so I began my road to recovery.  It took awhile but I finally got there, some would say I have a long way to go but I am happy most of the time in my own skin now.

I do still have real bouts of SAD in the winter or when the rain won't go away so this spring has been tough for me.  I think about "hibernating" alot, and that is what scares me, I don't want to go back into the depression.  Creating has been my saving grace when I get those thought. Ever spring I try a new craft, one year it was jewelry, then fleece art and dolls, the next altered books and this year it is upcycling, reclaim, recreating or redesigning, anyway you say it I am having fun and it keeps the depression away.  I don't really count some of the crafts I do as they are essential parts of having a farm of goats, you can only drink so much milk, so soap making and cheese are a must not really a true creative release, although they are just as fun and do fill that need. Some of the crafts I explore I continue as I love them and some I never do again as they full filled the need I had at the time.

My older children were part of the reason I was able to eventually pull myself out of depression and get back into life, but I lost so much time with them being there without truly being there, that I watch for it now. I don't want to ever lose so much of me again and them. I work hard at not being in that place ever again.  I know I have friends who don't understand me, or my problems, and that is ok they don't live in my shoes or my life and I have made the choices that have worked for me and mine. We have come along way in this family; my depression, Poppies injuries and disability, my kid's ups and downs, I guess you would call it life, and God gladly gives us each a different one to live, what a wonderful thing that is. 

My little ones help my to keep on keeping on to the goals we set and I thank God ever day for the magic of their lives, they free our lives in ways that no one can imagine.  I believe that anyone that doesn't believe in God has never looked at the hand of a new born baby, if they had they would see God.  I just can't wrap my mind around the thought that that just happened because a fish crawled out of the ocean.  A child's hand is so much more than that, it can lead you down so many paths and journeys.... God's gift...... tomorrow.