Friday, April 11, 2014

Littles, the lost, why are some people so set on always making choices that are not good for them?

This morning the littles are with me.  Bubbles was not happy about it and has not been happy to have her momma gone anywhere since she became an at home mommie at the end of February.  Bubbles screams and her mother jumps to her tune so she can be and has become some what of a BRAT!  Her mom left her this morning, and the girls were getting dressed for school so would not hold her at her demand.  She decided she would scream to get her way. well, Poppie was having none of it this morning.  He turned her over and spanked her little bum.  She began to cry but decide louder screaming was the answer.  He smacked her little mouth and told her he was done with her antics.  She immediately stopped screaming and tried the pouty lip and he told her he was having none of her shenanigans. She decided to stop and soon was much pleasanter to be with.  She tried it again when they all left but I told her to stop and asked her if she wanted eggs?  She said yes and has been much better to deal with.  She did try to cry a little when her sister went to sleep and keeps needing me to assure her that mommie is indeed at work. She has also now decided that she wants out and screaming should work but to no avail.  I told her she is not going out until Poppie gets home and that screaming will get her in trouble.  I will only abide some many "sides, sides, sides" until I have to put her in the corner or give her a swat......

I have made no bones about the fact that my oldest daughter does not like Poppie and me, well probably just me because she has the messed up idea that I control Poppie.  She really does not know anything about my and Poppies relationship as she has only spent about 1/2 hour, at any one time, with us in about 7 years. She does not know that Poppie's head injury changed him a lot and he is a much more opinionated and decisive man than he once was.  He is the head of our family in a way she does not know or understand.  She also does not understand that Poppie would be much harder on her than I might be if she ever really tried to fix some of the mistakes that she has made in our family and in her own life.  I love the child that I raised but do not know, understand or for the most part like the choices the adult she has become, makes.  Her dad is not as complicated he is just aghast at her and finds it hard to love her.  He had a much harder childhood than I and finds love something he can't always give to people who have wronged him.  We are both a work in progress I would say, but if we are our oldest daughter is a work without any progress and it is sad to see a life so lost and without hope.

How does one who has been given so many chances always make the wrong choices?  How does some one who has had legitimate victimization in her life embrace only the bad and never try to seek the good?  How does one when given the opportunities to get help, be helped and is helped always throw it away in a way no one on earth but herself understand? How does someone who was at one time a legitimate victim, who has been offered help, been helped and needs more help always make such unimaginable choices that for most people are always the wrong choices.  Victims are only victims when they are being victimized, how does one chose to be a victim simply by the choices they make and keep choosing to be a victim until they no longer are the victim but have become an abuser in their own way?  I don't know nor do I understand my daughter and there comes appoint in any relationship where one person keeps abusing the relationship that for self preservation you have to walk away from the never ending pain it can be.  I read the most people have a pendulum in this life that swings from openheartedness to callousness.  I have been so ripped apart, as has Poppie and my girls, that we have had to become callous to the anger and hate that our daughter wants to heap on us to the point that now that she probably really needs us we can't step forward to give it.  I sorrow at the thought of that little own the reality of it.  She would never ask us, well maybe Poppie but she knows not how much she has really really hurt him, and she really would never ask me because she really does hate me.  I have become the focus of her true hatred because she see me as the source of all her pain, problems and troubles.  She is so crushed under the weight and consequences of her own actions that she can not see her own culpability in any of her problems.  She is having surgery today, I am told, in Spokane which is probably a life saving surgery.  She has medical issues that are really dangerous and the reality is she will probably die at an age that none of us would have guessed, wanted or imagined. I have prayed and prayed for her but alas does it do any good?  I don't think she is capable of hearing the Lord, and much less me.  She may only have one chance, a last chance after a short life time of many chances to put her life together and that chance is God.  Today I pray for Poppie, the Ladies, and mostly for Goofy, who doesn't really want my prayers anyway, but I pray mostly to God that he can change the seemingly unchangeable.  ....... tomorrow. 

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