Monday, October 14, 2013

Being alone and then there is being alone..... I don't like being all alone.

We had a great day of burning, well a weekend would be more precise.  We got our camper, and the fixer camper that Poppie is going to fix a section of for a friend, all moved to their wintering spots, we still have room to get the backhoe past so Poppie can make the fixes we wants to the back yard.  We are hoping to smooth out the bumps and fix where the piglets dug it up, but more importantly remove the rolling hills that have been there since we started the lawn on the rocky left overs of the diggings from the foundation 6 years ago.  We are also hoping to plant a front yard that eventually can be a place for a volleyball net and yard fun.  So we got a lot accomplished this weekend.  I do so love fall it really is my favorite season followed by spring.  I am not a good HOT summer person or a good COLD  winter person, I like the mildness of fall and spring. So much can be accomplished in the warm.

This morning I am again alone but for some reason I am not feeling the loneliness that has haunted me at times in my life.  I have said before that I would not go back to my thirties for any reason and that still holds true.  I have spent great deals of time alone in a rooms full of people.  It was not that there was no one there with me it was that I could not feel them being there for some reason.  I know now it was all of my own doing, in more ways than one, but at the time I was so alone that despair encased me.  I am thankful that I have come through the alone and am still here to look back on it.  I am not proud of my doings or who I was in most of my thirties but it is what it is and I can not change five minutes ago little own two decades ago.  I do know that my thirties was a time in my life when I probably least acknowledged, and for the most part, turn my back on God.  He allowed me my space and loneliness filled in the void.  I am thinking that the devil enjoyed my desertion of the Lord and my thoughts that he was not with me.  I do know now the Lord was still with me and awaiting my call for him that I never made.  I was the lesser for not seeking his companionship and presence.  I was guilty of making my own way and doing things my way and under my own leadership.  I lost, my family lost and God sorrowed for our lost state.

I do know now that when I have a problem, or trails come our way that instead of seeking my own management and way, that the first think I should do is seek God.  God is not the last resort any longer he is the first resort in my life and will always be. He should have always been.  I have learned to seek God first thing in my morning, and first on any and ever part of my life. The best part of it is now unlike twenty years ago, Poppie is not just and observer of a Godly life but an active participant in a Godly life. We as a family now seek God first.  I never really understood being yoked to an uneven mate until now.  God never intended us to be yoked to an unbeliever, he says so in the Bible.  Being yoked to the love of your life it wondrous but being yoked to a non-believer is not as it should be.  I now am yoked to the love of my life but he is no longer a non-believer and that is true Joy, and Joy only really comes from God.  I no longer am alone. 

I say that because I have no alone time that does not include God.  I am never really alone and I can not say that about my whole life.  If you do not know that God is with you, though he be, you are alone in your heart.  I spent may a day and year alone as an adult not knowing my God was there with me in my state of aloneness.  I have been saved since I was a teenager, salvation has been mine, but because I did not become the disciple that God wanted me to be I was a carnal Christian and wondered alone, or thought I was alone, in this world.  I loved an non believer and battled many a year with, and against God, in my uneven yoking.  My husband loved me but did not love the Lord and that was an ever present elephant in our marriage.  It effected our lives, our children's lives and all areas of our lives.  I spent a long time in loneliness, and Poppie did not know how to help me and couldn't help me so he settled on enabling me as his form of helping me.   I was so alone and could find my way, and didn't know how to find my way.  NO one helped or rather knew how to help me.  We occasionally sought God but only in  the last desperate moments before we sank to the bottom of total despair. 

I finally climbed out of my depression but I was still relying on my own power and leadership.  We began to see what we would like to make our lives but had no real idea how to get there.  We were needed by our Littles and their needs helped us seek a better way.  Poppie got hit by a tree and he had an epiphany.  He knew he needed God and had all along.  He knew why I had always believed but now he wanted God in his life.  It took awhile for God to work in Poppies life but alas I am no longer yoked unevenly.  God is a part, the leading force, in our lives.  We are no longer alone and now we know we are not, and never were.  Today I am alone and write to you, I am the only one in the house be I no longer fear the alone because it never really exists.  God never leaves us alone.  An acquaintance of mine once said to me, when I asked her why she didn't leave her husband who beat her, "you don't know what it's like to be alone".   Ironically she was right, thought I didn't know it at the time,  I am never alone, I have God.  She didn't mean it that way she meant that I had a husband that didn't hit me and that it was better to be hit by hers than to be alone.  No, I am never alone.  God is always with me and he has blessed me with a loving man that loves me with all my faults and foibles.  I am not alone but it took me a half century to put it in words.... Are you alone, you don't have to be, God is patiently awaiting you to ask him into your life.  He wants to give you his Grace and his companionship all you have to do is believe and accept him.... tomorrow.  

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please leave a comment, I value your comments and appreciate your time to read my blog....