Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Is your life on track and where you want it to be? Are you happy when you wake up?

I am not what I would say a manic person, I don't know that I have ever experienced manic highs or for that matter moments of despair beyond imagining.  So, I am not bi-polar, no that is not what I am talking about.  I have experienced depression and it is something that I, and more than one of my family members, some of those don't know it, have battled.  I am talking about extremes, that some people enjoy or are plagued with, depending upon you perspective.  I can say that I have lived my live as a pretty steady person, maybe not always a predictable person.  I do make choices that some, or maybe alot, of people think are crazy.  I am not sure I would be a normal person if you took the sum total of my life into consideration but maybe if you took parts of it in I would be.  I like being an at home mom, but I am not all that good at being Mrs. Cleaver, I don't find cleaning for cleaning sake the end all be all of mothering.  I do love to can, sew, darn, knit, crotchet, garden, bake, make soap, read to my children and hug them just because, but can't say I think the doing the dishes before I go to bed is more important than tickling a child or teaching them to knit.  I love my dogs, and due to the many of the people I know, that can't keep theirs, have added to my little pack.  I can't say that my carpet is more important than the needs of a living animal that has no where else to live.  I do wish I could afford to change it to hardwood but for now I do what I can.  I love my goats, and sorrow at their passing.  Mokie's favorite doe is struggling, she was told she was a great deal younger than we think her to be, so maybe her days on this earth are numbered, and that is going to be hard to go through. My daughter will sorrow, and no matter her age, her sorrow will cause me the pain of a mother seeing her daughter grieve and, no, I can not change or take her pain away. 

I think maybe life is about choices, more than anyone realises, we make choices and go on with our day but our choices are much more important than we think.  Maybe it is good that we don't know that the choices we make change the course of our lives so much, if we did we may become frozen and unable to make them in the first place.  I find I rarely look at a choice and know that it is monumental, rarely do I say is this choice going to make a difference in a year, in five?  I do do that, and have made those choices, I find that when I knew it and made it I mostly made the right ones and it did make a difference 5 years later.  But what about the times when I didn't know that the choice would matter in five years, were those choices made in a heart beat and five years later were they the choices I should or would have made?  Were they right?  does it matter?  Life is about our choices, the end results of our choices but do our choices alone determine how we life our lives?  Does God in his infinite wisdom guide our choices more when we make a choice or when we just let life be and live it?  I think that we have choices by God's will but God guides our lives by his will.  I do so look forward to where I am going down the road.

I am a happy person, with a good life, it makes no difference what other peoples opinions of my life are.  They have never had to life one minute in my life, they don't know what my life is about, I know not about any ones life but my own, and maybe my loved ones, so I don't really think I dwell on other peoples lives.  I know we all occasionally get to glimpse at others lives but in the end all we get is our lives and how we live it in the time we are given.  We can share moments with others but mostly we share our lives with our families, a few friends, some acquaintances and mostly with God..... tomorrow.

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