20,000 views, what a wonderous thought. What to say......

Those of you that know me, know I like to talk.  Okay, I have said it before and maybe you are tired of hearing it but then I get to decide what I say and you don't so, oh well. My mom always said I liked to hear myself talk, but then who wouldn't if you had to share your talk time with 8/12 kids oh, and two adults.  It didn't leave much time for you to talk.  I do like to talk to myself, and do all the time.  It bugs Poppie to no end.  Yogie asked my when she was little who I was talking to and I told her "me, that it was okay to talk to yourself, sometimes you needed to talk to somebody that was on your side so you could figure things out.  And that someone who knows you so well might have good advice to share with you".  She took me on faith and I see her discussing the world with herself on lots of occasion especially when her sister is gone and she needs to talk things out.  If the problem gets too big for her she brings it to a kindred spirit that knows about talking it out with yourself, old mom.  I digress.  Talking is something I aspire to needless to say.  Talking goes hand in hand with writing.  I loved that my grandma Gladys chose to write diaries, we call in journaling now.  I love to journal, it was taken away from me as a teenager, by my mom.  She on occasion used my personal diary as entertainment for reading to my siblings, always wondered why, still don't know, she didn't like to read.  My mom is a gossip, there is no nice way to say she isn't.  She is one of the most lovable people I know, more so as a younger person, but less so as she ages.  She is also a very bitter person, and always has been.  I don't know why, I don't know her demons and I know from training and years of learning, the hard way, you can't help someone who doesn't want help.  I love my mom and have learned to accept her as she is, a big step for me.  I know I have gotten lost again....

So talking and writing are big things for me, followed by reading and learning but here it is about the writing.  I basically like to communicate with people.  I originally began this blog those 18 months ago seeking a way to share with my children and grandkids.  I began with the idea that I would write something for them, that way if they wanted to share it with their kids for entertainment it would have been for that purpose.  I also thought that I would try and share the Lord with people, if only one person opened a Bible to seek the Lord through by meanderings how wondrous that would be.  So today, I find that 20,000 people have viewed my words.  It is remarkable to me, okay on the scope of blogs that people seek out and share it is not a remarkable thing on that level.  I have never gone viral and not sure that I would want to.  I do know that I have learned so much and the Lord has given me so much for writing this simple blog.  I have opened up in a way that has been so healing.  Alot like when I used my childhood rape as a teaching tool at the Helpline.  I learned the healing of lancing a pain that had haunted me, and in many ways I have experienced that here as well.  I have come to terms with my mother, on many levels.  I have come to terms with any failures that I have as a mother myself.  I have learned that both my mother and I did as good as we could or were capable of while we were raising our children and that is all that Lord asks of us.  I also learned that your past is your past and that if you waste the rest of your life whining about how someone failed you as a child, then as an adult you are the problem not the mother that raised you.  I learned that someone who was truly abused, like Poppie, can over come and be a special person on a grand level if they but try. 

I have learned that this open expression has brought me so many new friends. I have always tried to be and honest open person.  I just never thought I would put it out there for all to read if they chose to.  I try not to live in a world of fairy tales and fantasy.  If I think it I say it and if I say I try to do it.  I like that most people understand that about me, not all people like that approach and find me abrasive but they never have to wonder where they stand with me.  I learned the hard way that gossip hurts and is a sin, so I try daily to not let it be a part of my life for the most part I succeed, with God's help.  I have learned, through the course of writing, that I may be a little hard to understand and maybe just maybe my mind does spin at mock one sometimes; and through reading my thoughts some of my friends have actually figured out how I think and that some of my oldest friendships are the better for it.  I have learned to love dear Poppie on a newer deeper level and maybe myself, I have come to a new peacefuller understanding of the love of a man and self love. 



I do know that I have gotten off of task sometimes. I did learn alot about God's purpose for neighbors, enemies in our lives,  about and through trials and tribulations, and about the five crowns ( the incorruptable crown, the crown of rejoicing, the crown of rightousness, the crown of life and the crown of glory)  that can be our rewards, I may just earn some of those to throw at the Lord's feet.  I have learned oh so much by simply writing and sharing. I hope you have gotten something out of my blog because I know I have.  I hope that one person, if only just one, opened a Bible and said "what is she talking about?"  I hope that even if it was to prove me wrong you opened it and the Lord spoke to you.  I do know that along the way, I have found the Lord in a way that I never knew him before.  I now have a deeper love of the Lord my God and if that is the only thing that this blog has brought forth then that alone has been worth every minute I spent at it........ tomorrow