Sunday, January 27, 2013

I was grumpy, not sure why maybe just needed to be?

I know I have said before that I was an anger 20 something, I still contemplate the why's and why nots.  I have many a theory and they do run the gambit but in the end it was me that was anger and grumpy so it was my issue and no one else's.  I spent a lot of my 30's in depression from I am sure, in hindsight, clinically to maybe just SAD, but I was and that I can not change either.  My 40's was a wondrous change for me.  I was probably the happiest I was in my whole adult life, okay so most children love their childhood and I was not different.  I got to start my adult life anew in many respects.  I got to become a mommy again, quite out of the blue, can you say Surprise, but God never gives us things we can not handle.  I have weathered a lot of different situations in my life, many an up and many a downs.  I am now into my 50's in so many ways it is a lot like my 40's still enjoying my Ladies, loving my grands, most of the time, though there are times I just want to runaway and hide from them.  I know that some of you gasp at the thought, but here I get to be honest.  If I can't be honest with myself than who can I be honest with.  I know most of you think that I make stuff up or plot and plan out what I am going to say daily but the is not the case.  I never take time to think out any of what I type I sit at my laptop and just begin.  I try to write to myself much like I would to my diary, if I kept one, sort of like my beloved Gladys would have I suppose.  If I over thought that I was writing to some many people who might just happen to pop in an read I would freeze up like a deer in the headlights.  I just write to me.  So, you get the raw, the stupid, the anger, the sad and the loving,  you get me being me, not always pretty but pretty much plain simple and honest. 

I spent most of yesterday grumpy, I am not sure really why.  I had a hair trigger when anyone snapped at me or had to be asked more than once to do what I asked them  I yelled for the first time in a very long time at the littlest provocation.  I however didn't use any bad words, well I don't remember using any and think I was nice.... hmmm.  I once, in my 20 and 30 really did have a hard time not cussing, and I really try never to use bad words now... I digress.  Anyway, I just seemed to be spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere.  I did have some tooth pain, and some imaginary tooth pain, I had heard that you could have toothaches if you had a mouth full of dentures but never really got the full concept before, I understand it now.   I tried to grind meat but the schedule and the grinder didn't want to cooperate.  Did you ever feel like had you just stayed in bed you would have been better off?  I guess that is the kind of day I had.  I don't like to have them, they kind of scare me, I fear they could be like a seed and grow into something horrible, I have been there and I do not want to revisit such a time.  I ended up reading my Bible and taking some pain pills.  Relief on two fronts so to speak.  I do owe my girls some quality time today, some reading time and so talking time.  I think I sometimes just get overwhelmed and no not how to ask or beg for help.  I am learning but something new always comes up and I have to take that as the priority to help with.  I guess I just have to ask the Lord for more help, more guidance and know that in this life we have little time for rest but must stay on task to the goals, heaven awaits us in glory...... tomorrow.

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