Thursday, October 6, 2011

CAKLS and my blog have given me an adult voice that I don't often get, Love Poppie but there is only so much he wants to talk about.

I am a bit of a reclusive person, I am not sure it is my nature as much as my nurture.  My mother, as she got older, became a recluse; I watched the process and it distressed me then and now.  I am not sure I am a recluse in the same way.  I do know of us three siblings that live in my neighborhood I am probably the most out going.  I am not sure exactly why my mother became reclusive, if it was due to the stress of life, lack of her two mothers or just a need to only spend time with family.  I do know that it had a great effect on all of her children.  We are not all good at socializing.  I would say that most people would say we are nice and open when we meet people but the building of meaningful relationships comes hard.  I think sometimes, at least for me, it is hard to take the time to do it. I usually have things I have to do and taking the time to visit is hard to plan.  I think that is a mind set that I got from the childhood family.  I do remember a time when it wasn't so, but I am not sure some of my younger siblings remember that time in their lives, it wasn't even there is some of the younger ones lives.  I would say my mother started becoming a recluse in about 1972 the year we moved to Plains.  I don't really know why there were so many wonderful people there but she didn't always click with them and became less and less out going.  The funny thing is that Plains is probably the place of my mom's fondest memories.  I would say that that is an oxymoron. 

I am one of those people that you either like or you don't.  I am to out spoken for some people, but you never have to wonder where you stand with me.  I am a person that rarely changes my likes, people and things I like stay with me the whole of my life.  I don't have time for silliness or games and have learned to just walk away because they are a waste of time.  I am a loyal person and try to give to those in need.  I am usually a good judge of character when I meet people.  I do know that I make mistakes so when I meet someone, and don't particularly like them at first, I make sure to give them a chance until they proof or disprove my first impression, generally it turns out my impression was correct but not always.  I have few friends but the ones I have understand me and love me anyway. 

I have family and friends that I invite to my house, and some feel comfortable enough to drop by.  I am private in who I invite to my house. I rarely am invited to other peoples home, I do have a couple of dear friends who love me and enjoy having me in their homes.  I am a messy house keeper, it is not that I am a pig it is just that there is only so much time to do things in one day and as an at home artist I have to make choices of which is the more important use of my time.  I don't always choose to have the spotlessly clean house, if I did it would consume my time and I would never get anything else done.  I make the choice and I know that some people don't agree with me on that but I also don't make my children do all the cleaning that I won't or don't do, I can't say that about all of the people I know.  I am the cleaner of my house and my ladies assist me but are not my slaves. 

I love to talk to adults, and miss that, now that I no longer work at the 911 dispatch here in town.  I did like the adult conversations that I got to have there.  I miss the people I helped doing the job, I don't miss the politics and underplay of the job.  I miss the HelpLine for the same reason but for about 5 years after I quit both I could not answer the phone because of the anxiety it caused me.  I have been answering the phone for about 2 years know and am more comfortable with it.  I still don't like talking on the phone for long periods of time with most people but I am getting better.  Goofy understands and knows I will only talk a few minutes or so before I get one of the girls to talk with her.  I almost never call my mom or friends it is still hard for me to do.  I think in the long run it was just a matter of the combined calls from both of the jobs at once that lead to me aversion to the phone. 

I do love to go to CAKLS, I have meant some really nice woman and have come to consider them my friends.  They are a different sort of friends.  Most of them have no interest in my personal life and don't know or want to know where I live.  We get to talk about any subject we want and enjoy the sharing.  Poppie is glad that I go to CAKLS as he talks to me, maybe alot more than some husbands, as we are almost always in each others company. We talk openly and honestly and have no secrets.  Poppie also like for me to get to talk to others so he doesn't have to have that particular conversation.  He loves me but sometimes just wants to talk about animals, how to build what building or what to plant in the garden, all much more conversations that complete Poppie.  I sometimes just need my Sister or a friend to talk to, not all of my friends can long term take my drivel or intensity, or maybe it is that I more needy than they have time for and I understand that too well...... tomorrow.

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