Inner reflection is good for the soul but sometimes hard on the concious.

I found a wonderful set of sayings this week and posted them to my face book it is called http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=284238601613471&set=a.176678979036101.33220.139429229427743&type=1&ref=nf
 "15 things your never knew or thought about."  It is an interested set of ideas, thoughts or statistic about you in the world or in general.  I thought when I posted them they were fun stats.  I read them and one of them kept talking to me.  Number 11 seemed to haunt me for some reason.  It says.  "when you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world."  I for some reason couldn't seem to shake the question of "do I turn my back on the world"?  I know by choice I am a private person, I am quite satisfied with my life even if it a little lonely at times,  well not lonely in the light that I have more animals and little kids to spend time with than most, but lonely in the ability to talk and debate on an adult level.  I have discovered in the course of this blog that I can do that on some level but just talking to you, so that has helped in a way.  My Poppie is a good ear and my best friend so we spend alot of time talking, probably more than most couples as we neither feel a great need for going an visiting alot.  I know this about myself but it still bothered me that maybe I had turned my back on the world.  Do I let people down by not trying more aggressively to spend time with them?  Do I let my family, the extended one, down by not coming and going more in their lives?  Do I let the Lord down by not putting myself out more in the community? I have contemplated alot this week on this and have no real answers to any of these questions.  I may never have answers to them, I can think of positive and negative answers to all but not sure I can really answer them. 

I was watching the news yesterday and a piece on homeless children testifying to congress caught my eye.  I watched as a young teenage homeless girl told of the hard ships she had endured due to the recent recession and her family losing their home.  My soul responded in a understanding manner and maybe I learned a partial answer to some of my questions from that young child.  Maybe I am as lost as she is in a way, and maybe I can reflect and seek answers in a different light after having heard her words.  She said that they had lost their home, they had moved about 6 times to new schools, new houses and new schools.  She spoke of how she had had to learn to close herself down, that after moving continually it was hard to put herself out there,  why should she try to make friends she wouldn't get to stay and develop the friendships,  she had learned how to be lonely and do without the companionship of people as they would just go away anyway.  I felt the girls pain in an instant and I knew where she was coming from as I had been there.  Maybe I never changed from the child I was and she is, maybe I have never learned how to turn what she has turned off back on?  I don't know but after being made aware of it maybe I can try.

I have been where that child has been, not homeless but moving over and over as a child.  I don't recall the moves before I was 3 and 1/2 but do recall the moves since then.  We moved into my grandparents house when they were killed in a car wreck when I was 4, my mom couldn't live there long term so we moved on to a 50 acre sheep farm.  The old farm house was lovely, but Mom wanted a new house so they made a basement and were working on the upper stories.  My mom's cousin, sort of, moved into the old house, it was great living next to them. I was in kindergarten, it was a nice life.  The owner of the mill, my dad worked at, died so we moved to Grangeville, Id,  we lived in a nice little 50's house on B street, but it was little so we moved to an old farm house on the Camas prairie outside of town.  I was in first grade and we loved the old house.  My dad got a new job in Kooski, Id, so we moved to Green creek on the Elk River and I went to second grade.  My dad got a job back in Grangeville so we moved back and we lived in a nice white house between the gravel pit and the radio station.  I had just started the 4th grade when the mill closed down, dad had no local job prospects so we move to Winslow, Az, in December.  Winslow was scary for us kids, so big, such a different culture and people. We lived in a trailer for the first month then we moved to an apartment complex, the Cachina Gardens.  We bought a house and moved into a multi racial part of town. Mom and dad didn't like it there so we moved to Corvallis, Mt in August.  I went to the 5th grade there, we lived in one of my mom's cousins houses.  The mill burned to the ground in Missoula in January.  We move to Plains, Mt in February.  We moved into a trailer court at first, were there several months, then moved our trailer to lower lynch creek road next to the gravel pit.  We moved to upper lynch creek when I was in 6th grade.  We liked it there we had 10 acres and Dad built on to the trailer.  We stayed there until I was in the 9th grade, the mill closed and we moved to Eniat, Wa in November.  The mill burned down and in February we move to Quest, NM. I finished my 9th grade year of school there.  A week after school ended we moved to Lewistown Mt.  we were there a week in a motel, mom didn't like it so we moved back to Plains.  The mill opened again and I went to my sophmore year there.  We lived in a little 2 bedroom apartment by the carwash, all 10 of us.  Shortly there after we got an bought an old railroad house in town it was wonderful, for the first time I had a room of my own.  It was a 5 by 15 canning room but it was mine. The summer after school was out we moved to Joseph, Or,  it was a wonderful town.  The birthplace of Chief Joseph.  We were there until March then the family moved to Superior, Mt, I stayed to finish out my junior year of school.  The family moved to Plains after a few weeks.  I joined them in June.  We lived there my senior year.  I moved in with my grandfather in Lewiston, Id in July after graduating.  I meant Poppie in October, I had just joined Yacc at Lakeside, Mt, we were in the program there until Feburary when Poppie got a job in Superior, with my dad's help.  Poppie and I married in March of 1980 and move here we have live in 5 places in this town in 33 years.............. tomorrow.